Alive in Death

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I won’t cry, but I lie

I hold up my chin, but inside I die

The love we shared is no more

It is so hard to let you be…

My heart bleeds in despair

To realize I hurt myself beyond repair

It is hard to face

A love never to be replaced

 

The vase that is broken

Longs to hold life…

to hold water…

to hold roses again

Their beauty to behold

The softness of their petals to touch

The sweetness of their petals to smell

The sweetness of their breath

Even the thorns that sting

and draw blood to delicate flesh

 

The shattered fragments too hard to bare

too hard to witness

Too hard to sweep away

For the memory replays…

The thoughts of love

The thoughts of beauty

The thoughts of life

The breath of yours in mine

 

To unwind the chords of time

To re-write every verse

To sing the sad melody

As for today, I drown in my own reflective melancholy…

 

Will I ever…walk by walls and brush my hand slightly across them and feel the love that has pulsed through my veins and heart…ever again? Will my chest ever rise at the breath drawn in that knew what it was to love and to be loved? Will you ever forgive me, and will I ever forgive you, and will we ever forgive ourselves? Will we ever be free to know love again? I won’t cry, but I lie. I hold my chin up, but inside I die.

It is hard to face the deaths that lie before me, for they are many. Will I be re-born and witness life through the eyes of a child ever again? I hold on in hope that I can discover how to find myself within all the pain…

The joys of pain to be alive in death.

December of 1997

 

 

Movements of My Soul

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russian artist
Will anyone ever know
Why I love you so
They may think I’m insane
They only ponder it in vain
Will you ever know why I love you
And what touches me most about you
Will I ever know
Why I love you so
And why you touch me deep inside
Here I sit tonight and ride these tides
There are few words for me to speak
I feel the tears roll down my cheeks
The cool wetness on my face
These pools into my lips they lace
The memory yearns
As my heart burns
In the thoughts that clash
Of a momentary flash
When you reached out to me
To make me see
Advising me in song
Pointing out my wrongs
Lecturing me in act
With decency and tact
On the pillow your essence
Resting in my presence
Embracing the rain
On the couch your pain
Being cold to restrain
Directing your disdain
Protections did start
Distancing your heart
Yet, loving me in spite
Of my validating might
The memory replays
Thought of yesterdays
The magnitude evoked
The gentility of your spirit
The universe spoke
And we did hear it
In being a child again
God’s heavenly send reigned in
In my faith I wavered
And questioned the definite
Doubting the Lord our Savior
Looking for the hypocrite
To blind to see
That it was me
Will the dreams live
Amidst the reality
What will it take to give
Escape to a mournful fatality
Of your fantasies
Of my fantasies
Where do they meet in heights
To complete our flights
Will you ever know
Just how you touch me so
Will anyone ever understand
Why I stand in your command
In all the pleasures and the pains
And why I love you
Will you ever know
The movements of my soul
Will I ever know…
The result of my fears at hand
The justice floods forth a hurricane
I can’t fight it anymore
Travesties too great to ignore
Killing myself in the fight
Of this foolish plight
Slaying the innocent in my path
Leaving wounds of my aftermath
My mirror is full of cracks
In the face of what I lack
What now (my name) what now?
Who am I now…
When I see that all I have been is a lie?
So many times I have wanted to die…
Hiding in and out of meekness
At times I thought I was something
But in my weakness
I finally see that I am nothing
My mother’s tapes re-play
from long ago days
You are nothing
You will never be anything
Is that what I have become?
Or is that all I have ever been?
Just an empty sum
Can those feelings ever mend?
Tears won’t help me now
In this state of broken vows
Will love pull me out
Of this darkness I have faced
The steps that I have traced
In this battle of bouts
I can no longer resist the warmth of truth
My heart no longer finds shelter in the cold
I feel again
What now my friend?
You are the wise and bold
Who took upon the role of sleuth
Uncovering the damage of my youth
And showing me my untruths
I am so lost among the pieces
Of our past and present broken hearts
Can the wash of misty ocean breezes
Cleanse my soul of the damages I impart
Where do I begin
To walk out of the sin
That I have been drowning us in
The delusions of shadows are growing old
The shades of their illusions will not cover
The blemishes and tarnishes of my deepest stains
The sunlit ray
Has pierced its way
Into my heart of cold
In order to recover
A soul of Gold
That had gone astray
Among the sighs
A new breath rises
The shackles of armor fall apart
Away from this lonely hidden heart
I am reaching out to you
Reaching within I find you
You found me
Impossible feat
From nothing
I am found
God bless you
As he has blessed me with you
9-6-1997 7:14AM EDT

Eclipse

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celestial map
I imagine the eclipse of the moon
where you stand is paradise
I bet the breeze carries you
I imagine you’re in the arms of heaven tonight
I swim in the seas
And I hear the waves
I feel the rain
It washes me clean
The power is in my hands
I am in control of my destiny
Oh my sweet love’s charity
I can breathe
I have my own set of lungs
I can fly
I have my own set of wings
Mend your wings my love
And fly away
Into the night
Into the eclipse
Of the moon
On view from paradise
The garden was bliss
The nakedness came
And covered in leaves
I hide my pain
Of loves
That have come
And of loves that have gone
Fly home
Fly home
Sweet love’s charity
Love visit me
Come back
To me
Sweet charity
Remember my cries
To see the eclipse
From here to eternity
Free me
Oh Sun
Cover me
Take away the pain
Of the dark
Take it to the moon
I pray
To see the light
Of dawn
Open me up
To be Love
Pure
Innocent
& Light
What is and what is not
Is neither here nor there
It is everywhere
In everything
It waits
In peace
In harmony
In pain
To have knowledge
To turn the page
To drown the rage
Enjoy the breeze
Let it surround your heart
Let it bring you ease
Don’t mind my broken heart
The light of the moon
Will carry me
On the wings of love
I will fly
Homeward bound I fly
I fly
In search
Of truth
In search
Of light
Oh how my heart
Weeps tonight
My sweet love’s charity
Is gone into the night
Rocking in the breeze
In the arms of heaven tonight
5/23/1997

Do you want me?

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feet
Outside the air is thick
Gray clouds from here to there
Wondering if you care…
Is your love from a fantasy land
Is your heart in your command
Or does the mind unwind the find
Is the reality not what you seek
Painting lovely pictures
On the waves of your voice
Yet in action reality chokes
Fantasy land forever will be
Unless you hold my heart
At the core of your desires
To respect diversity
To honor the duality
To come together
Man and Wife
No games of superiority
To nurture divine equality
To face the truth
To love our lives
To cherish what is
The dreams can live on, yet
A divided mind cannot stand
To have a vision
To walk together
To share each other
Good and Bad
To be humble in our flesh
To rise above in spirit
To take the knife of hate
And put it in its place
The senses flourish
On memories based on fact
The fantasy embellishes
And can lead us into a trap
Your dream cannot be my dream
When you keep it in your heart
My dreams cannot die
As I cannot live a lie
Do we share a common vision
Or do you wish to chart my course
Without asking my heart to speak
In silence my heart will break
I want to give and share
I want to be known
I want to know you
I want to understand
I want to be understood
I want to be valued
I want to value
I want to be nurtured
I want to nurture
I want to be loved
I want to love
I do not want to be seen as inferior
I do not want to be told to be silent
I do not want to be lectured to
I do not want to be taken for granted
How can I give and continue to give
When I am not given what I need
My heart cannot continue to bleed
I want a home in your heart
A warm shelter of love
One that does not differentiate
And try to dictate to me
On how I am suppose to be
For I am me, do you want me
March 21, 1997
An arranged marriage of sorts…

God Bless Us

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God Bless Us
God bless the innocents through time
As generations unwind the damage must stop
And the innocents wounded will be the ones with this task
The innocents the martyrs
What an evil deal
The universe wields
To challenge the wounded
To heal ourselves
We take it all
And still stand tall
Unless we fall
Into the sins of our abuser’s deeds
The pain it kills
to the core of our ills
When we instill
The perpetuation of these seeds
The abusers cannot help us
For they must heal themselves
We have a choice to end the blame
Erase the memories of the pain
Rewind the tapes
And rewrite the way
God bless the innocents in this journey through time
All were pure until the damage was born
And now through generations the damage must stop
The pure weakened must become strong in this universal task
God Bless you, God Bless me, God bless us all
We have a choice
We must be mindful of that
Even when the pain
Is awakened from deep within
We must keep it buried in the grave
So that a treasure will replace
All the past mistakes
God Bless the innocents
For when we enter this world
Our innocence begins its loss
And few will find the way
To claim what life took away
November 21, 1997

In the Wind a Flower Waves

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arrow of time
IN THE WIND
The winds of love swept in
Carried on the wings of time
The search of many lives
The dreams made in the night
Magical moments lit the path
Heaven bestowed showers
Of glorious miraculous baths
To flood forth a Sea of Dreams
The wind came to me
Too blind by self induced misery
I drowned in the storm of destiny lost
The wind blows
The sky it glows
I steadfast
As it comes and goes
New treasures I find
As I face my own wrath
To be free eternally
In faith I will walk
Through rain and pain
To face the dark abyss of my soul
To turn away and claim the breath of light
Come what may
The spirit leads the way
Lifted up
I’ll never walk alone
1-09-1998
A FLOWER
A flower in the wind
The blossom of destiny
The love came in
The wing’s of heaven’s send
Stuck in the storm
The garden drenched
All fruit was lost
The wind it came and went
The desert waits
For love to come again
1-09-1998
WAVES
As the currents descend
I build an ark
In hopes to ascend
To sail through fears
On the waves of love
Should they pass this way again
1-09-1998
NOTE: Three different versions of something I was trying to put into words…some times thoughts, like the arrow of time is hard to capture…

Teasing Profundity

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teasing profundity
Such a fucking tease
the progressions we all go through
one day we’re in a dream
the next a nightmare of sorts
that thing in your pocket
what is it really for
a lonely pill to deliver
that comes knocking on my door
it’s only fair intention
to ask what for
just a ruse
I tend to think
sometimes this life
is nothing more
than a trick or treat
really now think about that
a rejection or a parlay
yeah a parlor trick for sure
some times you have to understand
what’s at stake
to keep your heart
from landing upon one
don’t ya think
You can’t really obtain a goal
if you can’t even claim it
For certainly if words cannot
describe it, actions always do
in one way or another
life is but a dream we make
yet if you shudder at the quest
and slip away
into unrest
you’ll find you’ve shied away
from finding you
so easy to go into denial
and vain subjectivity
yet without peering through the looking glass
what’s true is never seen
and what could have been is just a dream
to stand alone is powerful
yet to stand united is profound
in thought and deed
where soliloquies of the soul
are echoed silently
reverberating
within the chambers
of two hearts
11/15/2017

Building a Fire

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build a fire
Come with me in the night
in the wee morning hours
we shall set sail
through the mist
navigating through sharks and rays
embarking toward isolated shores
on a blanket we shall lay
and when the buzzing will not cease
a fire you create is born
the heron in the pine nearby
a witness to our landing
the sleep lulls you in
as wildflowers are collected
and the Sun rises in the Eastern Red Hot Sky
Another heron looking on walks slowly by
No fear
we trek
into the blue
Looking back I see
the breath of air my soul needs
has left me all alone to weep
it is not my mind’s choice
for it keeps its distance
yet it is my heart
that draws near
and is burned again
as natural as it is to nature
to be cloaked in innocence
it does its own bidding
of painting beauty all around
where there can be no attachment
when one with love
its a wave to ride
as we part ways
again my friend
the tears of missing you cloud
my day
and fill my heart
oh how must I step
out of this dream
and back on dry land…
for to love a man like you
leaves me drowning
in my dreams
shattered long ago…
by you,
now by me…
11/10/2017
The cold has returned once more
and into winter I proceed
to keep my hearth fire
warm and lit…
Like a lighthouse
beacon
my heart
to chart my course…

Within Grasp

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Nunziata
Love strips me bare
takes the flesh off my bones
naked I am there
with nothing but
my heart in hand
a portal to my soul
shining through
to invite you
into the energy flow
into simplicity
where heaven abounds
and divine mystery
surrounds
the purity
of motive
to love and be loved
to touch upon
the sacred ground
the thread
never severed
for eternal
in truth
no demise
can penetrate
or circumvate
celestial time
out in the void
as one
to be so enamored
and raptured
within your heart
as my cloak
to hide me there
within your desire
to find me there
hidden in
your heart
outlaid
within your grasp
naked and bare
you stand
and clasp my hand
and take us there
the twilight and the sinew
bind us tight
flesh of my flesh
and bone of my bone
for what more is love
if not of one’s own
to be cherished and adored
held in esteem
wider than the sky
a true love forms
and shelters us from all the storms
for in the air we breathe
and out love we perceive
to give it all away
for love
lest we fall
from vulnerability
into a pit
clothed in ash
feathers plucked
and turned to dust
a love foregone
on broken trust
naked and bare
there is no sin there
when one with love
free from despair
for on silent wings
under the protection of their shade
if our soul be true
and full of light
Naked and bare
my flesh is torn off my bones
my heart in hand
with soul shining through
to find you
11/14/2017
Interesting reference to circumvate, for that is the word my mind wrapped around to use…the angels who encircle the house of God in worship in the seventh heaven….interesting…no doubt.

Shallow Streams Unrequited Dreams

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sunken boat
Some individuals so much want to find the one,
yet often pass by the diamonds in the rough
enticed by all the shiny ones.
Never able to look too deep
dancing always in shallow streams
all the while the currents of love
are taken away by the tides of their pride, the mask
they wear leaves them stranded
wondering why life’s passing them by.
Their affairs they come and go
like the ebb and flow,
yet their ship sunk long ago
anchored to things of this world,
their eyes caked over
by the slumber of their sleep
leaving them in a fog of delirium,
scratching their head
wondering where they belong.
Their ride of desire was fast and unbridled
ending with them in a field of waste to face.
Their hopes and dreams dashed on the rocks
so long ago left to the jetties of circumstance.
Uncharted course into territories of the undertow,
to strive for air is akin to the soul to thrive
when at last they see their drowning is at hand.
When tethered to one’s beliefs
the shore is always safely nearby
no matter how deep you plunge into the abyss
to seek that which ye soul’s desire,
save not for it,
lest ye drown in a sea of your own misery.
11/13/2017