On My Mind

You are on my mind when I sleep and when I wake

I want so much for you to be free

I know the pain it visits from time to time

yet let it not destroy you

Embrace it, then release it

until it comes again

yet what shall you learn from it each time it pays a visit

Stop not learning, stop not breathing

It is okay to cry

It is okay to mourn

But better yet it is to live and to love

embrace your heart

remove the fear

and be to yourself the parts you desire from the parent you never had

you wished for and needed so desperately

the parts to tell you

you are beautiful and dear

for my friend

that you are

beautiful and dear in all your highs and lows

give yourself a chance to heal

I think of you morning and night

and pray for your healing…

I’d like to tell you that

yet at the risk of sounding too sincere

you shun my aims…to just let you know I care…

knowing full well, it is foreign to you

something too you would perchance fear

and push away….

so in silence I will continue to pray

and when the time is right

your heart will come to know

the light

is always there….

to see today

 

8/21/2019

Tragic Comedy

It’s such a tragic comedy

The pursuits of love

The irony is he

is just like me

in some respects

Running to love

Hot in pursuit

then it falls

and a new chase begins

unlike me I sit and wait

often too long

so when I give

I am ready to receive

Such a tragedy

when two meet

they

who have journeyed so far

a stalemate occurs

One brazened by affairs

closes off

and one softened by humility

opens up

The one receiving

imagines fears

and withdraws

The one giving

questions their presence

and retreats

and off again

time and time again

Running in circles

until the lessons are learned

time can make sense of matters

and time can heal

yet time discarded confuses sanity

and time can divide

Some things can prick the heart

for it is a funny thing

one never knows

how the piercing of it shall unfold

a truth to poke the ego

turns it on its head

and venting frustrations

simmer and burn

and often explode

a truth to poke the heart

closed off

will test

and often harm itself

Both wrestle with their demons

never quite understanding

that to each they could conquer

if the battles each faces

and has been through

were acknowledged and left

and the sword of defenses

were laid to rest

perchance then

acceptance would be a foundation

upon which trust was formed

for without it

all is lost

and the demise

of the past

becomes the victor

of the days

of our tomorrows

8/9/19

When life plays the individuals it is tragic

it is almost comedic if not so wrenching

to know that if one were but to honor life

one would not get so easily swept away

when underneath it all we all struggle at times

to love and be loved

yet often those caught up in moments

end up pushing and pulling and fighting

these needs of the spirit

 

 

 

Slumber of Illusions

slumber of illusions

Truth my bane

does it offend

for if it does

perchance it uncovers

that what ye seek to hide

under the covers of pride

where ego resides

the lies I witnessed

in all their glory

unto friends, family,

and most of all

to yourself

the path of the blind

I have to wonder

to seek selfish things in folly

to puff up their-selves

or to get their way

to fail to honor

their own true integrity

to make a servant of love

when love

by divine nature serves

and is not made a slave

to wanton desires of the heart

it lifts the soul

yet in vain used often

sneaking to gain

when offered not

of pure heart intention

what thereby is

deemed nothing of importance

not recognizing the loss of soul

in those disposable feats

never to feel complete

and to think you are scared of me

when it is what you do you should fear

there is simply no honor, loyalty,

or integrity of heart and mind

to drive your intellect by the will

of the divine

for the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom

and the path to freedom

is to see God in everything

and when you do

never would you harm another

by deceit

to gain their attention

you by default become the whore

of your desires

where place ye them

where swiftly your feet roam

I plant these seeds

yet the salt is bitter

but truth once faced

is the way to liberation

to break those shackles

to go forth in peace

trials by fire

shall test your mete

for at your feet

I knelt

and in surrender I prayed

one day a heart to heal

Your eyes begin to see

the veil of slumber

is not your soul’s resting place

for as my master/teacher use to say

what good is it if a man must lose everything

before he wakes up

for it may be better for him to have stayed asleep

…the key to conscious desire is to become one with it…

while awake and asleep

for then you see

the path to the soul’s destiny

8/5/19

The poison of truth, is often the very medicine used to heal, it’s bitterness the ego rejects, yet the soul begins to take notice, and once affliction is released, the healing begins…

….In peace I sleep in the palm of his hand…no matter the trials I must endure to face…

You see I was also told…do not jump into the raging river to save another, unless you are strongly tethered to your beliefs….

I used to say….I would not let another drown, I will jump even if I drown in the process…

some times that has been the case…and some times now…I see what was meant…if I walk the fine line on the fence stumbling into behaviors not wise…surely I suffer as I grapple with realizations to right matters of self….I must strongly tether myself back to actions based on spiritual precepts that are ultimately good for the soul…and lead to harmony or at the very least provide a pathway to eternal bliss…no matter life’s temporary circumstance….

for this lifetime is but a minute in the big scheme of things…

(a past writing when I grappled with analysis of my failings)

Demon’s Don’t Own Me

Of course we all stumble, no judgment, we must think and DISCERN for ourselves, and we all make mistakes unaware. Some sleep walk through life, and have moments of clarity, like the veil slowly being removed, yet some pull back the covers, not quite ready to see the manifestations of their actions and choices. Consequences or outcomes often are never thought about, and then at times, the risk is thrown to the wind. I guess I realize at times…when risk is thrown to the wind…it is almost like we throw ourselves to the wind. I guess whether it is a nefarious thing or not, it is all part of the process in metaphor helping us to define where we want to align our energies and our efforts…ultimately.

This I believe, we all have a spiritual backbone, whether one wants to believe in religious ideas, there is a creative force that brought us into existence. I think good and bad thoughts, deeds, and actions are all parts of one spectrum. I think bad events make us take notice, and can even knock us off our feet to get us to take notice. I think often that is when the spine, the fiber in us seeks answers, and in this prostrate position of sorts, we seek divine, or spirit based answers, and perchance that is why we come to an age of reason to discern those things good for our soul. We all go through this throughout life, yet some are more prone to correct the errors of their ways sooner than others, and some not so much, thus life keeps offering us chances to figure out the best path to getting what we want. It all boils down to desire, and that which ye choose to believe. Yet having said that, there is an undeniable force of energy associated with life and death and universal truths we all operate within. I tend to believe that universal force resides within us all. Perchance the thumbprint of the divine (creative force) is within our DNA, and it is our choice given to us to activate or deactivate it. Perchance our choices influence this light…after all thoughts are electromagnetic energy, and this does influence us and our capacity to affect others. Maybe it is this energy that if activated helps us to go from being prostrate to activate the strength in the marrow of our bones we need to stand firmly grounded on the path that leads to health, happiness, light, truth, and harmony. After all it is the marrow that makes the very blood of our existence! The life of the body is in the blood. How you nourish your mind, body and spirit has great effects which cannot be denied…whether the models of thought used to learn this are based in religious dogma or not. So many mysteries there are to discover, most of all the truth, if at all possible.

I must add that I am not so ignorant to not realize my own errors. I tend to have an open heart, and as such go with risks, willing to learn from experiences. Charity is a most noble aspect to ourselves whether it is to give love, food, gifts, knowledge…etc. A thought comes to mind even in the Bible it says in the Song of Solomon to give all one has for love, one would be roundly mocked. I suppose love has conditions, aside from our notion to love unconditionally. I have explained thoughts on this in other writings. You see, I guess I must admit, to love and be open at times against all odds, is sometimes even an illusion that I must face…thinking it is the right thing to do…it sometimes causes great sacrifice and pain, and some times causes my own self to think by doing so, I will be loved in return and if I am not it will all be okay in the end. It is the bait to be loved in return that I fall for, thus in some respects I have deceived my own self with the bait of my own thoughts on this matter. Hence, even though my observations reflect on others, as I wrestle with my own demons, and theirs, I have to be mindful, I do not create a snare for myself in my very own actions to love…otherwise I have by my own nature put my own head in a noose, and in the process of suffering fall prey to pointing out errors of others, when in the end I alone bare responsibility for where I end up in these matters of heart, and spirituality.

 

 

 

Retreat

I want to go fishing to listen to the streams

or down by a river to become lost in a forest of dreams

Running to and fro amidst the lights and sounds

makes me want to retreat away from it all

for my heart has needs to be free

so open I have laid it at your feet

is it any wonder it comes undone

not ready for it to be pushed away

so to the birds I shall watch play

and get lost among their songs

and listen in silence to what nature says to me

away, away from it all

a time to contemplate

the simple things that lift and penetrate

and tell me all is well

and to know time flows like a wave

to wash over me

and take me with it wherever I must go

to find the love to give

to bridge the connections

we all must make or break

to find the paradise of dreams

if but standing alone

in wishes to be at your side

like a penny tossed into a fountain

maybe one day to be found

the diamond in the rough

it seems is all I am

yet to eyes that see

the priceless ruby

whose treasure is buried there

for the one ready

to touch upon all that is real

where fears no longer rule the day

and the light of love shines the way

to merge two as one

if but in dreams

a secret desire of the heart

to be held

by the one

who’ll hold me near

Until then in the forest I shall be found

sitting amidst its sounds

listening to the call

of the wind that carries me upon its wings

as I seek guidance from all that sustains

this life

to keep a heart as open as the sky

to become refreshed in knowing

it is my path to walk

and never shall I let the vultures

pick me clean of all that I have to give

eternal and lasting

to shine like rays of light casting shadows upon the dark

one day I pray to not walk this path alone

yet if that is what I must do

I shall forbear it with all my might of strength

and if I fall, I pray the lord my soul to keep

 

6/22/2019

Do what you love, and do what you do with love.

do it with love

I’ve been contemplating this notion of living a loved based life for 22 years, and I have attempted in earnest to do so. I have been at the razor’s edge of cutting this notion from my way of being. I had to ask myself why? Was it that I was suffering burn out. But then I had to think fuck that, I love to do this, and I love to do that, what is up with my thinking? In my profession as well as in parenting it can be a thankless job, yet in my personal life I tend to think my attempts at living in altruistic ways have taken their toll on me at times. I am called upon often to give of my time selflessly, yet often I feel it is not reciprocated and that leaves me feeling at an energetic loss. I often will give endlessly often depleting my well of reserves unaware, until I find myself in a place where I suffer…feeling at times such a loss of love.  I think in the New Year, I will have a new perspective for 2019, and that is simply to do what I love, and no matter what I do, to do it with love. If there are things I find I have to do, I will shift into the heart and give it all I have got with love, for it will help shape my perspective into one of joy. I have done this often in my professional life, yet I must be mindful now, in my personal life to choose to relate with those whose consciousness comes from the heart. I must keep filling my cup, to give, yet if I give so much in my personal affairs and it becomes a drain, I must learn how to walk away with love for myself, so that I may continue to love what I do.

I used to think….be love, just love…and if you feel no love, that is the time to love more than ever, but it seems now there is a shift in my thinking to purposefully choose to do what I love. I know it sounds so simple, yet when we on the spiritual path often think of love we are often taught or accept some notion that no matter what we should just give love. If giving love leads to a loss of ourselves, and affects our ability to embody a place for divine love to continue to thrive and manifest, perchance a re-evaluation of principle is in order. This is not the same as do what though wilt, for love has conditions, and to love unconditionally principles of practice must not only nourish others, but ourselves too to be a light to those who are truly in need.

1/13/2019

 

Center of the Sun Contemplation

 

The essence of the soul is beautiful, limitless without bounds immortal, yet the chains of the flesh are gross in all their forms magnified, bound to decay mortal and destructible. Ever become one with the water to bleed through the skin the blood of this life to see it is all an illusion of despair to escape back into the light from the darkest backdrop of life. Somewhat maybe like piercing through the veil of the flesh to see the soul shining through everywhere. Dance the dance of the immortal if you dare, to see love in the most ugliest of creatures, for their shell hides the light within we all have eyes to see if we could awake to become free amidst the choice we have been so mercifully granted. A gift too many have eyes not to see for when the dross fades away all that we truly are shall manifest, and will you shine like the light of stars or fade into the dark abyss of nothingness? Once awakened to see, no slumber ever befalls thee, and clinging to your bed of delusions is no longer of comfort to the essence of who you are truly gifted to be, yet it is a choice, free to make through the liberation found at the interface between dimensions…for it is the soul that touches the flesh, not the flesh that touches the soul… there is a difference and at the crux lies misery or happiness…

 

Ever notice how some old people have dull eyes, and how some people no matter how old they look, their eyes shine like the sun. Why is that? I tend to think it is some souls are so bright all you can see is their light. Aspire to that! It kind of reminds me of that saying (paraphrasing) become who you were before the world told you who to be. Like your essence is given this body, and you have a choice to let the world get into you and dull your shine, or you can choose to light yourself up. lol Get Lit from the inside out! Another parallel too, is like the saying of being in a boat within the world not letting the water inside. Another thought too…Sun worshippers trying to bring the external within as compared to other religious notions to be like Christ by emulation of the Christos…to manifest light from the internal to the external. Then of course there are those who think the Europeans and the Council of Nicaea twisted worship of the Sun to the worship Son by creating myths. Yet, Joseph Campbell’s Power of Myth illustrates how the power of myth can manifest in lives. This too something neuroscience studies…religious/spiritual experience resides in the electrical impulses within neurons/brain waves in the temporal regions and does affect the mind and body. Even brains of meditators can achieve gamma states at will over time. So, there are mysteries unknown in how beliefs shape reality. At a simple level it would stand to reason being positive aligned in truths, negative energy manifestations dissipate in the practitioner. It’s how you see matter that shapes your reality, yet finding truth is it ever truly found and within truth is duality existing or non-existent? Is truth outside of the constraints of time dimensions? Perchance it is about the wisdom of experience in time that leads the way out of time. And so faceted is the wisdom of experiential events each must seek truth of their own accord within the embodiment of mortal and immortal elements coexisting…there are no shortcuts to truth but is it not there all along? Can truth be defined or is this too a notion of an illusion? Then I think what is, just is…and how even Buddhism espouses to accept that notion with non-attachment. If we are to think on matters of raising consciousness where we see connections amidst all matter then how can we remain unattached to our purposes? It would be impossible. What is our purpose? Is it to care, or not to care…how to care and be unattached…I suppose is akin to light dispersing amidst the shadows…just by its nature…it just does without attachment yet where is its source? If not in you then what are you made of…if not the same elements in the stars? Out of chaos order is ever changing as energy and matter is ever transforming. Mind and heart intention…electrical magnetic and beating like a vibration…be an instrument of the music you create. Be static or dynamic…ride waves in harmony or out of synch…can we ever jump off the carousel revolution as we spin through space….to spin out thoughts like rays of light…undefined far reaching never ending dimensionless.

 

Metaphorically ~ can we be the light to keep our hearts warm by closing our eyes and seeing the Sun to let darkness not make us undone? The light can illuminate and darkness will seem to fade away, yet often it is still present no matter how much light reflects and is dispersed. Yet, too there at the interface where light touches the dark a chance to jump into the wave of light and ride the darkness of illusions no more. A mystical moment to let the dark go…where all there is, is light. Yep, these are like visualizations of letting go of all that reins the charioteer of darkness to pervade thoughts, cells and energies. We are the master navigator of our destination, are we not? What would you create if you dared to imagine it is within your power to define who you are?

1/12/2019

inspired thoughts from listening to Center of the Sun by Conjure One

Yesterdays to come

 

Sitting in silence I see things from a different point of view. The quiet of solitude withdrawing from the noise yet the voice inside of me speaks.  I could write a book with the things my heart has seen dangerous and most intrepid things. I ventured out with heart in hand to give and in turn I saw so many like me. They had eyes and smiles to give in spite of pain and some still drowning in their flesh of needs not knowing how to be at peace. Some so mired and scathed wanting to break free yet chained long ago to a memory of misery. It imprisons their now they cannot be present to see each second forward paints a new destiny. Unlike me in servitude to others their demons they still cherish in unaware ways for they still lead them to all their yesterdays to come. I shall not follow them there for by grace we each are given each breath a choice to lead the way and if not they see they stay blindfolded by the illusions of despair

… sometimes like me

1/8/2019

Just passing thoughts…that visit for a moment of reflections

Go with the flow, and burn

underwater white dress

Sometimes I don’t want to be like water and flow to slip through hands, I think I want to be held in nurturing hands. I wonder if a fish in a small pond has a wider view of the sky than a fish in a big pond that sees so little of what is outside of itself. Not sure which is better, to be like water or to be open as wide as the sky. This may be hard to understand…but on a journey to remove ego and let whatever come and go like the water flows and to keep a heart as wide open to the winds of the sky it gets hard to be pulled into the current of the streams to begin to want and have needs to be reminded to reflect and realize life is not always what it seems. To remove oneself into contemplation and isolation one sees from wider points of view life around so magnified until one steps into those realms to become lost in wanting to belong it’s like being caught up in the winds. A longing long forgone beckons at the door of the heart where inside the heart begins to beat so hard it’s bursting at its seems to come outside it’s resting place. To remain calm amidst this storm is almost drenching for to stay hidden in the deep one never dares to feel the rain. Like water I slip away…back into the abyss of my beating heart…into the safety of the boat where no water can penetrate to navigate through waters yet uncharted….the pieces of my fragmented life….like rays of sun that illuminate a heart inside…it is my life raft within to seek the divine mind and that path to tread in seeking salvation through and beyond time to freely give all of me away in surrender to mortal constraints in glimpses of the immortality of love for in no hands it can be held but only felt. The pain of letting go of the ego is to seek to give hopes away to one day become the vessel where light shines so bright the vessel is no longer needed. The choice to hold the light or be the light is like choices to love or die. I’m not sure these notions are nothing but fleeting fantasies where in the end the denials to want end up leaving one imperiled in emptiness of nothingness in which I’m not sure I want to return to. Is this an illusion to fall into nothingness to be liberated and held by the imagining the heart of the divine holds me instead…when so much it is a divine love in mortal hands I am tempted to want so bad like a fire that rages in the heart.

1/8/2019

The Path

The path

She puts her perfume on

hoping you like her scent

She plans what she wears

hoping you’ll take notice

She wants nothing more

than to be drawn close

within the scent of man

her heart longs to be

she aims her heart to heal

in the merging of her hands

upon the touch of your flesh

she dreams of kissing

the nape of your neck

for she knows you

have seen hardships

and nothing more

does she wish for you to forget

to find respite in the taste of her lips

to find solace in the home of the heart

but she knows you are jaded

torn and abused

been out wondering in the cold

amidst the folly of dreams laid to waste

for she too has danced in those forests

entrenched in their quagmires

she freed herself

and to all she gives her heart

she knows they may not see

blinded behind the veil of their misery

yet time and time again

her heart on her sleeve she gives

for she learned long ago

that is the way

on the path

home

12/26/2018

Brother, Brother

paper doll angels

Brother, brother

No I will not come to your house

to participate in the charades of niceties

where behind them lie the pain of truths

you cannot see…

For brother, brother, it is my mother you should thank

she gave to our father the freedom to feed and care for you, your mother, and my sister

void of me

Years, went by I lived after the age of six without knowing my father

only to realize upon his death that was the year he married your mother

I then knew why I lived without

It still did not lessen the effect

after he and I connected

he told the father of my children

he did not know why

for all those years he did not care…

the yearning in my heart for so long to love a father I did not know…but needed

the gift my mother gave away

his obligation to me

given to care for your mother with twins in her womb

Is it no wonder after I brought to him

his first grandchild

he began to care…

and your mother came in to the rescue to give to them

what she took from me…

it is no one’s fault

not yours, nor mine

we were children at the mercy of our parents

I blame not anyone

what is, is what is

but the truth is there too…

I can look at it objectively can you…

For all those years the gifts I sent

and now in recent times of need

when I called upon you

you could not return my call…

Oh brother, brother

you did not invite me…

but your mother did…

but I cannot go there and dance among

the heathen who think they are full of church, and God and pomp and circumstance…

when the truth is, you would do more for another

than you would do for me…

Maybe it has been a bitter pill for me to swallow

when our father died…

and your mother did not

show the doctor’s what I found

and your wife had a fit to change his residence of care…

when the truth is, it could have been

a cure…

whether true or not

this is true…

when I cried out

she came and brought me to your shelter

told my sister she was my boss…

paper dolls on the bed

she probably feared

she’d have to do more than care on the surface of matters

and what would happen to her world…

 

Then once upon a time

my sister I took with me

and upon a return

a secret was told to your mother

she kept it for so long, long after more damage was done…

for she said to me, your father would have killed him

if it were true

but instead she let me live with him

and the grandchildren she seems to care about

was it nothing but a lie

yet she goes on to meddle

into my blood affairs….

and thus….I think it is true

those closest to us, have the most capacity to hurt us…

often unaware

but to those living in survival mode

without consciousness of true love

its just a mask they think they wear

when behind it all

it was a glass house

….so break the facade…now I do wide open…like a gauntlet thrown to the ground crashes…the past is the past…

I harbor no ill will

just awareness now

and I cannot go where

demons dress up

and pretend to care…

I suppose we have all been enchanted a time or too in self folly

so this is no self righteous indignation…

it is a choice

to not endorse

the games humans like to play unaware…

the older I get the less I need to be reminded of such travesties

11/22/2018

Religion like a paper doll, if there is no love there, there is nothing to be found there

Nothing to be yoked by, unequally I am not found there, nor will I be…

There was a time, I would stand in such crowds, and fight by silence to be love by example and actions, but those days are fading as I now see, all they saw was a paper doll and could never see the heart of truth beating love underneath. Now I toss their paper dolls back….maybe one day there will be something underneath of substance that will shine far more than the superfluous flesh and ego needs.

If your life was your message, what would it say if you looked back on it. Thinking of how Easwaran’s books have inspired me to think.