Welcome, let the journey of your imagination begin…

mlm151

I’ve added under this tab writings in random order I have written over the years. I have alphabetized them under the Writing Tab. I have put various sayings, and musings on pictures which can be found under the Gallery of Ideas on Pictures Tab. Maybe one day, I’ll weave the story line around the writings and pictures.

I must add, not everything written is truth, some things are fantasy pieces built around fragments of observations I have made either from my own experiences, or from the experiences I have observed play out in the lives of others.

Sometimes it is easy for me to write from a flow state, and at other times not so much from a flow state, thus some pieces are often better than others; however I don’t let the pieces that are not that great stop me from writing. I have found that if I just keep writing, good, bad, or indifferent, gems on occasion miraculously appear on the page. I keep my imagination active, and I hope you will find your thought processes actively engaged in your own imagination should you take an interest in my writings.

I also should note, as much as I try to do the right thing in my life, as evidenced in my writings, I fail miserably at times as also evidenced in my writings, please do not take anything I write as advice (disclaimer), certainly sift for the meanings for your own truths(qualifier). Many things written are in metaphor and are meant figuratively, not literally.

If you are under the age of 18 some content may not be suitable for you to read, so just don’t!

 

Nothing at all…but a blood moon rising

It’s going to be a New Year

had the moon in my eyes

so bright full of radiant light

Thinking could this be the year of luck

for you and for me

Then the day came

and there I was

in servitude

and on my knees my heart it fell

when off he walked

with another man’s wife

in his mind

professing his plan

His knee hit mine

and he turned and asked

are you mad

Better he to have asked that of himself

For there is no love there to be had

none given could penetrate

the shell of the man

who idolizes shinier things

and things he can never have

is this a projection I have to ask

for it is better for me to not want

the things I cannot have

If ever it was over that was the day

more so than any of the other days

that made me realize

the lack of empathy was a sign

from the moment I met him

to the morning I came to terms

and offered him nothing

nothing, at all

1/20/2019

Blood moon is on the rise

and what is it singing

it says through strangers

maybe angels unaware

to be something you love and understand…

and don’t forget there is someone up above…

to be a simple man

 

minstrel winds in the park

to the streets of New Orleans

the message repeating in

synchronicity

not meant for me

but for me to give…

nothing….nothing at all

but from above

through me to you

a message loud and clear…

if you will but listen,

listen closely

to your heart

like the song says

“forget your lust for the rich man’s gold

All you need is in your soul….”

never a possession to want or keep

but there for all

a glimpse of love

to be

and manifest

upon these sacred grounds of trust I walk

to give it all

and not look back

for all you have

is what is in your heart to keep

the blood ran deep

these chords

to be sung

and the moon she rises

and foretells what is to come

 

 

 

 

Thankful for this Season of Lessons

thankful for the lessons

I adopted this compass of striving for destinations of No Fear, No Ego, No Judgments, and Love for all People and Things after being ordained in 1996 and commissioned to go forward and walk a path of love. I have walked this path. I have been in much respects in action like the words and directives found within Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “If” concerning…can you walk with Kings and paupers and not lose the common touch. Can you fill the unforgiving minute worth of 60 seconds of distance run. I have striven for excellence, yet after 22 years, I found myself in deep contemplation seeing some just do not understand the ways of those who live loved based lives. I have given much with no thought of the consequences many times. However I realized in my personal relationships it was a bit dis-leveling to talk of such matters. It often put me in a state of having to explain, and then often feeling compelled to prove by actions I meant what I said.

It dawned on me today, these are still compass points I shall hold dear. Yet, I shall not discuss these matters with individuals who are not consciously living in their heart. I have seen individuals take advantage of my kindness and it has left me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed almost giving up on this notion of walking a love based life path. I shall walk away from those not living in their heart in my personal life, and return to doing what I love. So often I have put my needs and desires aside in hopes to help others feel loved, and help them to feel as though they belong. I somehow slipped into this notion forgetting to be mindful of what it is I need to do for me. It is not that I aim to be selfish, but I now realize if I do not stand up for myself and start doing what I love, I will not lead my own path to finding contentment let alone happiness. I now see, it is not my task to prove anything to anyone regarding the principals of my actions, for if my actions speak not of themselves, there is nothing more to be gained by me sticking around to prove to anyone who I am. I shall continue at times to operate selflessly, but I shall cease to allow my generosity to be exploited by those not capable of reciprocity whose only aim is to take.

1/13/2019

*Note I have written about this ordainment before. It was not an ordainment in the ordinary sense. I met a minister and asked to be baptized, and initially he refused, before it was over, he not only baptized me, but ordained me too…this was not done in a church, it was something he said he was called to do. There is more to the story. It blew my mind the next day, thinking what shall I make of this??? What is the path of love? I set out in search of figuring that out…I guess in some respects I still am.

I guess altruism in its perfect sense leads to annihilation of the self. I used to not be concerned with that, but when I find myself so depleted to where I cannot care for and do the things I love, it is time to re-evaluate these matters. Some say there is no such thing as perfect altruism, because even the one practicing/or attempting to practice it tends to feel better by giving. When giving kills off the self, I thought it was not such a bad thing, for the ego needs to go, and I thought it was an act to eradicate ego at times as well. It is a struggle to fall into surrender to walk such paths, yet too I think divine wisdom would not want to see me so incapacitated I could no longer give. So, retreat is needed at times to fill my own cup. It is like I must find a way to be free to be me independent of the ego, judgements, fears, and incapability of others to love people and all things, and to understand these matters.

Do what you love, and do what you do with love.

do it with love

I’ve been contemplating this notion of living a loved based life for 22 years, and I have attempted in earnest to do so. I have been at the razor’s edge of cutting this notion from my way of being. I had to ask myself why? Was it that I was suffering burn out. But then I had to think fuck that, I love to do this, and I love to do that, what is up with my thinking? In my profession as well as in parenting it can be a thankless job, yet in my personal life I tend to think my attempts at living in altruistic ways have taken their toll on me at times. I am called upon often to give of my time selflessly, yet often I feel it is not reciprocated and that leaves me feeling at an energetic loss. I often will give endlessly often depleting my well of reserves unaware, until I find myself in a place where I suffer…feeling at times such a loss of love.  I think in the New Year, I will have a new perspective for 2019, and that is simply to do what I love, and no matter what I do, to do it with love. If there are things I find I have to do, I will shift into the heart and give it all I have got with love, for it will help shape my perspective into one of joy. I have done this often in my professional life, yet I must be mindful now, in my personal life to choose to relate with those whose consciousness comes from the heart. I must keep filling my cup, to give, yet if I give so much in my personal affairs and it becomes a drain, I must learn how to walk away with love for myself, so that I may continue to love what I do.

I used to think….be love, just love…and if you feel no love, that is the time to love more than ever, but it seems now there is a shift in my thinking to purposefully choose to do what I love. I know it sounds so simple, yet when we on the spiritual path often think of love we are often taught or accept some notion that no matter what we should just give love. If giving love leads to a loss of ourselves, and affects our ability to embody a place for divine love to continue to thrive and manifest, perchance a re-evaluation of principle is in order. This is not the same as do what though wilt, for love has conditions, and to love unconditionally principles of practice must not only nourish others, but ourselves too to be a light to those who are truly in need.

1/13/2019

 

Center of the Sun Contemplation

 

The essence of the soul is beautiful, limitless without bounds immortal, yet the chains of the flesh are gross in all their forms magnified, bound to decay mortal and destructible. Ever become one with the water to bleed through the skin the blood of this life to see it is all an illusion of despair to escape back into the light from the darkest backdrop of life. Somewhat maybe like piercing through the veil of the flesh to see the soul shining through everywhere. Dance the dance of the immortal if you dare, to see love in the most ugliest of creatures, for their shell hides the light within we all have eyes to see if we could awake to become free amidst the choice we have been so mercifully granted. A gift too many have eyes not to see for when the dross fades away all that we truly are shall manifest, and will you shine like the light of stars or fade into the dark abyss of nothingness? Once awakened to see, no slumber ever befalls thee, and clinging to your bed of delusions is no longer of comfort to the essence of who you are truly gifted to be, yet it is a choice, free to make through the liberation found at the interface between dimensions…for it is the soul that touches the flesh, not the flesh that touches the soul… there is a difference and at the crux lies misery or happiness…

 

Ever notice how some old people have dull eyes, and how some people no matter how old they look, their eyes shine like the sun. Why is that? I tend to think it is some souls are so bright all you can see is their light. Aspire to that! It kind of reminds me of that saying (paraphrasing) become who you were before the world told you who to be. Like your essence is given this body, and you have a choice to let the world get into you and dull your shine, or you can choose to light yourself up. lol Get Lit from the inside out! Another parallel too, is like the saying of being in a boat within the world not letting the water inside. Another thought too…Sun worshippers trying to bring the external within as compared to other religious notions to be like Christ by emulation of the Christos…to manifest light from the internal to the external. Then of course there are those who think the Europeans and the Council of Nicaea twisted worship of the Sun to the worship Son by creating myths. Yet, Joseph Campbell’s Power of Myth illustrates how the power of myth can manifest in lives. This too something neuroscience studies…religious/spiritual experience resides in the electrical impulses within neurons/brain waves in the temporal regions and does affect the mind and body. Even brains of meditators can achieve gamma states at will over time. So, there are mysteries unknown in how beliefs shape reality. At a simple level it would stand to reason being positive aligned in truths, negative energy manifestations dissipate in the practitioner. It’s how you see matter that shapes your reality, yet finding truth is it ever truly found and within truth is duality existing or non-existent? Is truth outside of the constraints of time dimensions? Perchance it is about the wisdom of experience in time that leads the way out of time. And so faceted is the wisdom of experiential events each must seek truth of their own accord within the embodiment of mortal and immortal elements coexisting…there are no shortcuts to truth but is it not there all along? Can truth be defined or is this too a notion of an illusion? Then I think what is, just is…and how even Buddhism espouses to accept that notion with non-attachment. If we are to think on matters of raising consciousness where we see connections amidst all matter then how can we remain unattached to our purposes? It would be impossible. What is our purpose? Is it to care, or not to care…how to care and be unattached…I suppose is akin to light dispersing amidst the shadows…just by its nature…it just does without attachment yet where is its source? If not in you then what are you made of…if not the same elements in the stars? Out of chaos order is ever changing as energy and matter is ever transforming. Mind and heart intention…electrical magnetic and beating like a vibration…be an instrument of the music you create. Be static or dynamic…ride waves in harmony or out of synch…can we ever jump off the carousel revolution as we spin through space….to spin out thoughts like rays of light…undefined far reaching never ending dimensionless.

 

Metaphorically ~ can we be the light to keep our hearts warm by closing our eyes and seeing the Sun to let darkness not make us undone? The light can illuminate and darkness will seem to fade away, yet often it is still present no matter how much light reflects and is dispersed. Yet, too there at the interface where light touches the dark a chance to jump into the wave of light and ride the darkness of illusions no more. A mystical moment to let the dark go…where all there is, is light. Yep, these are like visualizations of letting go of all that reins the charioteer of darkness to pervade thoughts, cells and energies. We are the master navigator of our destination, are we not? What would you create if you dared to imagine it is within your power to define who you are?

1/12/2019

inspired thoughts from listening to Center of the Sun by Conjure One

Yesterdays to come

 

Sitting in silence I see things from a different point of view. The quiet of solitude withdrawing from the noise yet the voice inside of me speaks.  I could write a book with the things my heart has seen dangerous and most intrepid things. I ventured out with heart in hand to give and in turn I saw so many like me. They had eyes and smiles to give in spite of pain and some still drowning in their flesh of needs not knowing how to be at peace. Some so mired and scathed wanting to break free yet chained long ago to a memory of misery. It imprisons their now they cannot be present to see each second forward paints a new destiny. Unlike me in servitude to others their demons they still cherish in unaware ways for they still lead them to all their yesterdays to come. I shall not follow them there for by grace we each are given each breath a choice to lead the way and if not they see they stay blindfolded by the illusions of despair

… sometimes like me

1/8/2019

Just passing thoughts…that visit for a moment of reflections

Go with the flow, and burn

underwater white dress

Sometimes I don’t want to be like water and flow to slip through hands, I think I want to be held in nurturing hands. I wonder if a fish in a small pond has a wider view of the sky than a fish in a big pond that sees so little of what is outside of itself. Not sure which is better, to be like water or to be open as wide as the sky. This may be hard to understand…but on a journey to remove ego and let whatever come and go like the water flows and to keep a heart as wide open to the winds of the sky it gets hard to be pulled into the current of the streams to begin to want and have needs to be reminded to reflect and realize life is not always what it seems. To remove oneself into contemplation and isolation one sees from wider points of view life around so magnified until one steps into those realms to become lost in wanting to belong it’s like being caught up in the winds. A longing long forgone beckons at the door of the heart where inside the heart begins to beat so hard it’s bursting at its seems to come outside it’s resting place. To remain calm amidst this storm is almost drenching for to stay hidden in the deep one never dares to feel the rain. Like water I slip away…back into the abyss of my beating heart…into the safety of the boat where no water can penetrate to navigate through waters yet uncharted….the pieces of my fragmented life….like rays of sun that illuminate a heart inside…it is my life raft within to seek the divine mind and that path to tread in seeking salvation through and beyond time to freely give all of me away in surrender to mortal constraints in glimpses of the immortality of love for in no hands it can be held but only felt. The pain of letting go of the ego is to seek to give hopes away to one day become the vessel where light shines so bright the vessel is no longer needed. The choice to hold the light or be the light is like choices to love or die. I’m not sure these notions are nothing but fleeting fantasies where in the end the denials to want end up leaving one imperiled in emptiness of nothingness in which I’m not sure I want to return to. Is this an illusion to fall into nothingness to be liberated and held by the imagining the heart of the divine holds me instead…when so much it is a divine love in mortal hands I am tempted to want so bad like a fire that rages in the heart.

1/8/2019

The Path

The path

She puts her perfume on

hoping you like her scent

She plans what she wears

hoping you’ll take notice

She wants nothing more

than to be drawn close

within the scent of man

her heart longs to be

she aims her heart to heal

in the merging of her hands

upon the touch of your flesh

she dreams of kissing

the nape of your neck

for she knows you

have seen hardships

and nothing more

does she wish for you to forget

to find respite in the taste of her lips

to find solace in the home of the heart

but she knows you are jaded

torn and abused

been out wondering in the cold

amidst the folly of dreams laid to waste

for she too has danced in those forests

entrenched in their quagmires

she freed herself

and to all she gives her heart

she knows they may not see

blinded behind the veil of their misery

yet time and time again

her heart on her sleeve she gives

for she learned long ago

that is the way

on the path

home

12/26/2018

Brother, Brother

paper doll angels

Brother, brother

No I will not come to your house

to participate in the charades of niceties

where behind them lie the pain of truths

you cannot see…

For brother, brother, it is my mother you should thank

she gave to our father the freedom to feed and care for you, your mother, and my sister

void of me

Years, went by I lived after the age of six without knowing my father

only to realize upon his death that was the year he married your mother

I then knew why I lived without

It still did not lessen the effect

after he and I connected

he told the father of my children

he did not know why

for all those years he did not care…

the yearning in my heart for so long to love a father I did not know…but needed

the gift my mother gave away

his obligation to me

given to care for your mother with twins in her womb

Is it no wonder after I brought to him

his first grandchild

he began to care…

and your mother came in to the rescue to give to them

what she took from me…

it is no one’s fault

not yours, nor mine

we were children at the mercy of our parents

I blame not anyone

what is, is what is

but the truth is there too…

I can look at it objectively can you…

For all those years the gifts I sent

and now in recent times of need

when I called upon you

you could not return my call…

Oh brother, brother

you did not invite me…

but your mother did…

but I cannot go there and dance among

the heathen who think they are full of church, and God and pomp and circumstance…

when the truth is, you would do more for another

than you would do for me…

Maybe it has been a bitter pill for me to swallow

when our father died…

and your mother did not

show the doctor’s what I found

and your wife had a fit to change his residence of care…

when the truth is, it could have been

a cure…

whether true or not

this is true…

when I cried out

she came and brought me to your shelter

told my sister she was my boss…

paper dolls on the bed

she probably feared

she’d have to do more than care on the surface of matters

and what would happen to her world…

 

Then once upon a time

my sister I took with me

and upon a return

a secret was told to your mother

she kept it for so long, long after more damage was done…

for she said to me, your father would have killed him

if it were true

but instead she let me live with him

and the grandchildren she seems to care about

was it nothing but a lie

yet she goes on to meddle

into my blood affairs….

and thus….I think it is true

those closest to us, have the most capacity to hurt us…

often unaware

but to those living in survival mode

without consciousness of true love

its just a mask they think they wear

when behind it all

it was a glass house

….so break the facade…now I do wide open…like a gauntlet thrown to the ground crashes…the past is the past…

I harbor no ill will

just awareness now

and I cannot go where

demons dress up

and pretend to care…

I suppose we have all been enchanted a time or too in self folly

so this is no self righteous indignation…

it is a choice

to not endorse

the games humans like to play unaware…

the older I get the less I need to be reminded of such travesties

11/22/2018

Religion like a paper doll, if there is no love there, there is nothing to be found there

Nothing to be yoked by, unequally I am not found there, nor will I be…

There was a time, I would stand in such crowds, and fight by silence to be love by example and actions, but those days are fading as I now see, all they saw was a paper doll and could never see the heart of truth beating love underneath. Now I toss their paper dolls back….maybe one day there will be something underneath of substance that will shine far more than the superfluous flesh and ego needs.

If your life was your message, what would it say if you looked back on it. Thinking of how Easwaran’s books have inspired me to think.

In a Field

sunflowers

I feel I pour my heart out to the world

what more can I do

but sit and wait patiently for you

when all I want to do is to lay in a field

and confide in you

share our hopes and fears and dreams

to forge a protection of hearts

safe in the bosom

of a love divine

11/20/2018