Prayer of Sorts

Blow heart kiss

Desperation, Isolation

driving me insane

The kiss of love that flew away

Keeps flying by in distant memories

Haunting the hallows of my heart

The passion that electrified my skin

My mind, my being

So hard to let go

God help me, set him free

If he really loves me Lord

Then please wake me up

and make me see

Yet my Lord guide me

To my destiny that you

want for me

Thank you, Amen


Note: I moved across country in 1999, and my partner of 18 months did not want to come, yet then he kept calling, and still does to this day…wanting to come see me. Yet, if he was not man enough to come with me then, never will he ever be the man for me now. I had to blow away his kiss, and have ever since I drove away that day. I would rather be alone and isolate myself, than be with someone who does not honor the principles of love, or love me in their actions.

To Love a Narcissist


Do you know how it feels to see the object of one’s desire every day in your home, on your couch, in your bed, and not be able to connect? It’s insanity!

The other day, just a kiss, with a tease of the way I liked to be kissed was enough to send my senses into the abyss of unrequited fervor. The mind, the body, the soul thirsting for life, for love…

No small ingratiation would suffice, just made the animal in me roar and rip to know he teases and withholds and in the end I have to face, I am not what he desires…and the animal in me has shredded my heart, my hope…alone dead in this cage I roam full of discontent.

I cannot bare to look upon him, for to do so melts my heart. I yearn so much to feel his touch. The pain to yearn his love relentlessly tears me apart. To feel so desolate, isolated from the love I have to give, for from him it is not reciprocated and I’m left lonely, ashamed, and betrayed.

For my love I give, for my love I have not that I wish, and for that my love betrays me and I’m left empty and questioning where to turn.

The lies have reduced me to nothing in his eyes, and I no longer can bare to see my reflection in his eyes.

I’m torn, hurt, devastated, and destroyed. He taunts me, teases me and leaves me continually in the recompense to assume his duties to reconcile…

How am I to make amends with this deliverance of mockery to all I hold dear on my own when he has assaulted my core…

Sacred unity, I thought we had, and in this trinity he has brought misdeeds. How can this temple stand in glory full of the things which destroy and annihilate love and life and peace of mind? How can God sanctify this mess, tell me this?

When he is near I cry, to know he lied, to know he courted another and forgot our love. Be-trodden down, I’m broken in this illusion of passion I thought I’d found with him…

Well at least for a moment it was bliss. Is that why they say ignorance is bliss? Does the pull of love make one ignorant to all else, but the beloved, and love is blind they say…

What happened to make me see that love was illusory, was it the lies, I am sure it was; that amidst the chaos of unfulfilled promises amidst the sordid excuses laden with BS!


Written in October 2016

Note: Bewildered for months, yet when I found information about narcissism from Sam Vaknin, it all made sense, and I found peace within me. Yet, astonished at how one can be like that, and endeared myself to wonder where it all began. I sat and observed once I put my heart within a safe place to be able to do so, yet some times it gets pulled a bit, as my gray rock method, comes and goes. It becomes a challenge I think at times to watch for matters of truth to surface even if among the roses there are thorns that pierce. Yet now and again on occasion we talk, and it is mostly straight forward conversation that ensues as we exchange lessons of life, even if perchance it is nothing more than him coming around for sources of narcissist supply. Even narcissists need individuals to help see them through.

Glimpses of Love


He made me feel like a woman

Something to be desired

Something beautiful to behold

Something precious in his arms


My love whether he be of the light

Or of the dark doesn’t matter

For how I felt was all

that was true

All the tides that swelled in me

Beneath the currents of my seas


My lover protects me

And stands by me


To be cherished and adored

Our love shall end

materially, but spiritually

will live forever more


Death shall not find us


To the world a pansy he

may appear to be

due to his gentility


But in my heart

a rose unblemished

whose beauty is to be

treasured deep within

my soul


Summer of 1996


In Need

cora and tiana watercolor

Artists: Cora-Tiana

Sun in the west

Do you hear my request


Is what I’m searching for

in the eyes of his soul

in us…can we be



Can he be faithful in heart

Can his mind leave

And come be with me


I wonder what you see

I wonder what pleases you now

Is your heart or head leading the way

What moves under your command


Is life just a fantasy land

with an etch and sketch at hand


Are all the kings men standing tall

in your palace halls


Is your princess near or far

Is she up high

Or is she near her fall

Is the ground her face

Is her heart out in space


What will it take to bake

a brand new birthday cake


Jump and bounce all around

in one minute place


Come see, Come hither,

Come nigh


Should I kiss him goodbye


And wait to see if he beckons me

In my unconscious dreams


The spirals of illusions

Where do we begin and end

Or will we forever be


I hurt, I bleed

I need


Summer of 1996


Unknowingly Knowing

what are we doing here

Artist: Adam Martinakis

I’m sad and I am lonely

about the prospect of losing you


Are we so obsessive

We need to be connected


When we don’t talk

in a trance I walk


How many days will I wander

In and out of my life


To reminisce of us

Is to see a sparkle in my eye


Emanating from deep within

For all to witness


Only I know

How I feel

Others poke and prod with curiosity

Trying to break the spell I am under


They don’t understand

In your command I am under


Possession of the Heart

Possession of the Mind

What a lonely pair to possess

In and out of time

In and out of my mind


Is this really a choice

I choose to be


Is not a power at work


Are the cherubs dancing

around my heart

Are angels of God

doing their part

Or are there demons in my head

Waiting for the company

of misery from me


Angels and Devils

The conscious body

I inhabit

They both do dwell

Often in Heaven

But now in between


Is this where I should be

If more to the side of hell

I think it best to not be


Written in 1996


I’ve Been Touched


Attraction of Opposites by Artist Mashina

What is real and what is not?

Was an emotional response a contrived idea?

Some sort of emotional roller coaster game?

How do I sort the reality from my imagination,

For fantasy was not present,

but may have to endure, lurk, and prevail.

I don’t want to go there, I refuse,

yet will my heart/mind obey?

Dilemma, moral dilemma, painful joyful dilemma,

not knowing, yet growing and learning all along the way.

Why, why, why do I feel this way?

Is something lacking that was moved to respond?

Was a need so great to be filled?

Why the void? The question I must answer…

All I know is something shifted.

A transcendental moment I can’t explain,

nor should I have to and I don’t want to.

I know I know

What was there

In that space above this plane,

but I will ask why, why, why?

God, I have to know why

I have to!

Why can’t I have it?

Why can’t I hold it?

Why did I have it?

What does it mean?

Searching everyone searching

longing everyone longing to be,

To be, Ah, To be or not to be

I see more meaning in that today than yesterday!

I was.

Yes, I was,

We were,

I was in you, in your mind

Like a circle complete

So deep, deeper than the ocean blue

higher than the sky

so strange not in flesh, but in all

I’ve never had that happen before.

You were in me, in my mind

you saw a glimpse of my existence.

An affirmation to ourselves

That we live, we breathe, we love, we die, we cry.

Push and pull

A contradiction of our wills.

The intellect tells me to be wary.

My will doesn’t know where to go,

but to try to understand the ebb and flow,

and take these emotions where they go.

To bed till I’m dead?

I’ve been touched.

It can’t be real

It was,

But now is not.

Thus is the way of life.

I wish I could control it,

but it controls me.

How humble I am to what bestows before me,

for I am meek and am weak,

Yet I have courage to ask, to venture, to wander,

To be burned, to be scarred, to be…

Ah yes, to be who I am,

But who that is I do not know,

but for a flash I knew.

I am left with many answers to search for

God please help me!

What in the hell is going on?

Was the angel malevolence present?

Who’s will was controlling the cards?

Does it have to be a good/evil thing?

I don’t know, but the universe does.

Will it please tell me

I don’t like not having control.

Am I fucked or what?

Can’t live my life in a movie show in my head.

Another part of me must die.

I suppose, kill the thought dead.


Must become possible at some point in time.

Just write thru-it, think thru-it.

It’s just so painful.

It’s just so strange.

I just can’t understand it and it scares me.

Nothing will ever be without me.

And I am, but yet I am not.

I am tormented, confused and dazed.

I hunger, I hunger for more.

Where whence it came?

Where whence it go?

I should not follow

thus I know.

But what has it done to me?

Who was, that was?

And is and is not?

That was there, that is not?

Where in the fuck am I

And am I not fucked?

On and on I go

rambling on and on in a lunatic state

So confused

so untrue,

yet real, so true.

What do the etchings portray?

What do they say?

Maybe I’ll figure it out one day….


March 13, 1996

to cut these cords and step away from you…

touch me no more, now go away…6 months later


Iron Horse (A letter)

Iron Horse

Scrap metal artist: John Lopez

Chest of steel

Eyes of fire

Telling me he knows his power


He is strong

He is bold

His days are long

His days are old


Steadfast he plows

In the heat, in cold, even in thunder shower


Just trying to make a buck….

In smoke filled rooms

The numbers are called

Giving rise to a nightly star

Success is sweet

A life is complete

As a shout of BINGO

Is heard around the room


So much you have seen

So much you know

Such wit, so clever, so keen

Such a noble lad

Went to war

To save us all

Came back a dad


A legacy began…


The children do not know

The pain your heart has felt

The misery your eyes have seen


They look

They stare

They gaze


Into eyes of blue

And see your

Smiling face

The love you showed

Is what I know

The devil in your chin

The shows on TV

Wild Kingdom and Disney

Every Sunday night


Sleeping in your den

On the couch beneath

A picture on the wall

Of a ship at stormy sea


Yes, seas in life are stormy

We ride them like the tides

Sometimes we sink

Sometimes we swim

Sometimes we just tread water

And do enough to stay afloat

Sometimes we drown


Tears to drown the sorrow

Of what is and what is not

I’ll always remember the Serenity Prayer

To accept the things I cannot change

Sometimes it pulls me up

Even though it’s sometimes hard

Hard it is to let go

I don’t want to and I won’t


My memories are alive

I wish I knew you better,

like how you grew up,

and what you did

I know there’s a pain there,

but I’m sure there is good too

I wish you could tell me stories

I wish I could sit on your lap

and hear your tales

I remember you

huffing and puffing

like the big bad wolf…


I remember

pushing the gas pedal

as you drove me to school…

I use to love

to clean your desk

Boy, I sure hope I wasn’t a pest

I now realize you were

having to watch me.

Well you did watch over me,

and I am proud


Do you remember

the white rails

next to your old shop?

I’ll never forget

balancing on top of them

You let me do it

and it made me feel brave


I remember

Walking to T.J.’s

Stepping on the black

concrete diamonds

on the sidewalk

I think they’ve changed

them downtown now

Playing little mind and street games

Like step on a crack,

Break your mother’s back…

Buying a pack of Salem

A pack of Pall Mall

And one Popsicle please


I’ll remember playing on your boat

Couldn’t wait to get it in the water

Hanging out down

At Brown’s Marina

I’ll tell my grandchildren

How I did not walk home

from the bus stop

After school

and I walked to the marina

To show a friend

my Poppie’s boat

And how I dropped my books

in the water

And how I had to explain

my wet stockings

to my mom

The moral will be

to them is

To go straight home

after school


I will tell them

how my Poppie

Taught me to drive…


I will tell them that my Poppie

Would get me anything

I wanted

Like a bobcat

or a motorcycle,

But my mom

would not let him

But that he did get me a pony

Even though

my grandmother had a cow


Boy, I had fun on Candy

Thanks to you

I had a life

You got me

my first car

And boy

did I blow that

But I’ll always remember

You trusted me

And that’s what counts

Accidents happen

We all know that

But trust is precious

And you gave me that


I never really got to talk

To grandma much before

She left

And I’ve felt terrible about it

Cause things happened so fast

I never got the chance

To tell her I loved her

And thanks and because of her

I’ll always strive to be a lady


So I guess this is why

I write to you

I fear losing you

And I don’t want you to go

And hopefully

it won’t be too soon

But I want you to know

That I love you so much

And I Thank You for everything

You are my Poppie

And that’s more

Than any Dad could be!!!


You’ll always be my Iron Horse

“I’m an Iron Horse”

You know you use to tell me that

As I’d find your beer

In the washing machine

And pour it out

I’d say Poppie

You should not drink so much

And you’d say

I’m an Iron Horse

Nothing’s going to get to me

Well I will never forget those days

Because you always treated me kind

You didn’t have to tell me you loved me

I just knew you did

Because you were always there for me

I wish I could be there for you

And if you need me

I’ll be there

I know my Iron Horse

Is strong

And does not want me there

I know these words will have to do

I hope you will read these words

For many years to come

Because you deserve to know

How special you are

I just didn’t want time

To get the best of me

Before I had the chance

To tell you, I love you



Written around 1993

Random Notes and Thoughts today upon typing this up from the faded fax paper this was originally printed on (1/7/2018): My grandfather had to have a section of his colon removed due to having colon cancer some-time around 1992-1994. He was fortunate they were able to remove it without him having to have a colostomy bag. He went on to live until December 6, 2006. I was there at his side when he died. He had remarried a Jewish woman, and in some respects to appease her took on that faith, more so in name only. When I saw him fading, I asked her if a priest or something could come to the house to read him his last rights. She looked down on me as she said, we do not have priests, we have Rabbis’ and I said, well do they do anything to read someone their last rights? Needless to say she went to search the matter and called the Rabbi, who came within minutes of my grandfather passing. My mom and I were singing songs, as he passed, with his hand in mine. A tear of blood came from his eye shortly thereafter.

I gently closed his lids, and his wife looked at me and said you don’t need to do that. Yet when the rabbi came, he read a modified version of his last rights and shared a prayer, and looked at my grandfather’s wife, and said, I see his eyes have been closed, for that is the last respect to give.

Before my grandfather slipped away, I spoke to him and told him to hold on tight until he made it through his passing, to not listen to voices or images meant to distract him, but to keep focused on his journey home to God.  That afternoon he had been calling out to his mother, as if he may have seen her there amidst the ether of the room or in his visions playing out before him, perchance welcoming him to reunite with loved ones.

I grew up next door to him for the first nine years of my life. My mother having been married so many times, I idealized the fact my grandparents had one marriage for life until my grandmother died, and even though my grandfather was an alcoholic, he always was like a father to me. He quit drinking at the age of 55 as well as quitting cigarettes. He lived to be 86. He was on five different carriers during World War II, where he learned to make alcohol out of torpedo fuel. He retired as a Chief in the Navy and went on to have a Radiator Business until a few years before his passing.

He left home at the age of 15 to join the Navy. He had hard times, as his father left the family during the Depression, and was rumored to have become a hobo traveling on the trains, and it is thought one day he was killed by getting ran over by a train. When he first went to AA meetings he wanted me as a teen to join him, and I did to support him. He used to say just learn to put the plug in the jug, and was a founding member of a group that still meets at the church he was in a group to first establish there. I learned to hear the accounts of human travails at the age of 13 from alcohol abuse. It gave me empathy for these individuals, for I knew firsthand of the toils of these matters from being a witness of his life during my youth.

My mother and I know he may not have been her biological father, yet may all be well with his soul, for a true father figure he was to me. My mom would say, he would drink when she was young and claim she was his bastard child, and that was hard on her. I had pictures of my grandmother, my mother borrowed and has not returned and claims she does not know where they are, but in them my grandmother was pictured all over Europe. She had pictures in stately hotel rooms, as well as in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and also pictures of the Pope in Rome overlooking the crowds, where she took the pictures from. I started wondering who took these pictures of my grandmother, especially one where she was on a chaise along a beach, looking rather charming. Who perchance was she looking at?

A silver thread: (The toils of the needs of children to have the love, shade, and blessings of a father embodied in this…perchance for me at the crux of my journey seeking the blessings of the divine Father welling within me over time, for even when I was told I was nothing and would never be, I knew inside me, God knew I was someone, and for that I learned to survive the trials of life, believing always near me under his protection I would be…)

On My Wings

dove in hair2

Little did I know

Hidden there

In gardens of sound

The symphony surrounds

His grace before me there

And the songs playing out all around

Upon awakening from my sleep

These messages coming to me

Yet now they tend to fade

As I try to remember the dream

Buried there

like feathers fallen down

on this journey calling

into places I venture

even in my sleep

to reach out in the night

in surrender

seeking to be lifted

from the choke-hold

of lies

ever after seeking

the yoke I am to wear

in truth

I am

To be found no where

In the shade

Cast over me

Within the invisibility

Of the cloak of divine wings

For there, evil cannot find me

Without taking fight

Like a fire it tries to consume me

Yet it is the light that disperses

The dark within to be illuminated

And in an instant

Intent becomes magnified

They think my eyes are covered

Yet I see their deed of intellect

For it is through their darts

My master sees

And within his hand

He delivers me

The sword I am to protect

The innocent of heart




My love sitting across from me

Trying to figure out what was on my mind

Such a subtle look in your eye

in search of the dimension of our universal time

Wondering where and how and if we

Would ever gaze upon the stars we

Hold for one another deep within

The mirrors of our souls again


You knew you had to let me go

And yet your manner was so gentle

Something within you gave you the strength

To share your vulnerability with me


And I and my surrender had to

Return home with me

Not to know which way the winds

Would blow

Back to the safety of my seventeen year nest

Yet to risk the winter

To find the spring


The well of fruit

Of the seeds that were

Cradled and nurtured

In our hearts


I watched the moon in the sky

And the sun in the West

And wondered and questioned

All the toils of our quest


Wanting to know and yet knowing

All the while and what is…is all

I know and what is cannot be

Bridled by time or illusion

For when all veils are removed

The reality sheds forth its

Light upon my Knight


All for love the rescue

of my love, my gentleman

restores and him I adore

forever more


May 1996

Boulder, Colorado



When my love I meet

The test of talk and time do greet


Will we feel an easy bliss

Or shall there be an awkward emotional abyss


Will we be disconnected

Just as easily as we were connected


I wish my fears

To be released as tears

To be melted away

With the embrace of our hearts


My dreams are to be open and wide

To dance in a magical place

To allow my heart to be revealed

To allow my heart to be soft

and touched

To stand in peace

And offer peace


For us to be entwined

For upon each other to dine

To get better with aged wine

To know that you are mine


I dream of holding hands with you

Walking on the beach

Feeling the universe synchronizing

The silent pulse within us


I dream of love

And of candlelight


Dreams are dreams

Dreams to hold

Dreams to cherish


To cherish you and to be

Cherished too


My dreams…

To see you


Written in the Spring of 1996

Note: Like a Raven in a way dangling my heart in front of me…interesting to research the symbolism of ravens in Norse Mythology. Must note around the time this was written a kettle of vultures visited a huge eucalyptus tree behind my fence one afternoon and stayed throughout the night to leave the next day. Perchance it was a sign to heed, as I remembered thinking if this was some sort of ominous sign. Ugh, I now wince at some of the language used…entwined, dine and age like wine….egad! I was intoxicated at the thought of love, as I had received answers, and became free of pain, yet the fantasies were alluring to consider…even knowing it could not be, or last…yet I felt a bit zombified caught up in the dance.