Attraction of Opposites by Artist Mashina

What is real and what is not?

Was an emotional response a contrived idea?

Some sort of emotional roller coaster game?

How do I sort the reality from my imagination,

For fantasy was not present,

but may have to endure, lurk, and prevail.

I don’t want to go there, I refuse,

yet will my heart/mind obey?

Dilemma, moral dilemma, painful joyful dilemma,

not knowing, yet growing and learning all along the way.

Why, why, why do I feel this way?

Is something lacking that was moved to respond?

Was a need so great to be filled?

Why the void? The question I must answer…

All I know is something shifted.

A transcendental moment I can’t explain,

nor should I have to and I don’t want to.

I know I know

What was there

In that space above this plane,

but I will ask why, why, why?

God, I have to know why

I have to!

Why can’t I have it?

Why can’t I hold it?

Why did I have it?

What does it mean?

Searching everyone searching

longing everyone longing to be,

To be, Ah, To be or not to be

I see more meaning in that today than yesterday!

I was.

Yes, I was,

We were,

I was in you, in your mind

Like a circle complete

So deep, deeper than the ocean blue

higher than the sky

so strange not in flesh, but in all

I’ve never had that happen before.

You were in me, in my mind

you saw a glimpse of my existence.

An affirmation to ourselves

That we live, we breathe, we love, we die, we cry.

Push and pull

A contradiction of our wills.

The intellect tells me to be wary.

My will doesn’t know where to go,

but to try to understand the ebb and flow,

and take these emotions where they go.

To bed till I’m dead?

I’ve been touched.

It can’t be real

It was,

But now is not.

Thus is the way of life.

I wish I could control it,

but it controls me.

How humble I am to what bestows before me,

for I am meek and am weak,

Yet I have courage to ask, to venture, to wander,

To be burned, to be scarred, to be…

Ah yes, to be who I am,

But who that is I do not know,

but for a flash I knew.

I am left with many answers to search for

God please help me!

What in the hell is going on?

Was the angel malevolence present?

Who’s will was controlling the cards?

Does it have to be a good/evil thing?

I don’t know, but the universe does.

Will it please tell me

I don’t like not having control.

Am I fucked or what?

Can’t live my life in a movie show in my head.

Another part of me must die.

I suppose, kill the thought dead.

Impossible!

Must become possible at some point in time.

Just write thru-it, think thru-it.

It’s just so painful.

It’s just so strange.

I just can’t understand it and it scares me.

Nothing will ever be without me.

And I am, but yet I am not.

I am tormented, confused and dazed.

I hunger, I hunger for more.

Where whence it came?

Where whence it go?

I should not follow

thus I know.

But what has it done to me?

Who was, that was?

And is and is not?

That was there, that is not?

Where in the fuck am I

And am I not fucked?

On and on I go

rambling on and on in a lunatic state

So confused

so untrue,

yet real, so true.

What do the etchings portray?

What do they say?

Maybe I’ll figure it out one day….

 

March 13, 1996

to cut these cords and step away from you…

touch me no more, now go away…6 months later