To Love a Narcissist


Do you know how it feels to see the object of one’s desire every day in your home, on your couch, in your bed, and not be able to connect? It’s insanity!

The other day, just a kiss, with a tease of the way I liked to be kissed was enough to send my senses into the abyss of unrequited fervor. The mind, the body, the soul thirsting for life, for love…

No small ingratiation would suffice, just made the animal in me roar and rip to know he teases and withholds and in the end I have to face, I am not what he desires…and the animal in me has shredded my heart, my hope…alone dead in this cage I roam full of discontent.

I cannot bare to look upon him, for to do so melts my heart. I yearn so much to feel his touch. The pain to yearn his love relentlessly tears me apart. To feel so desolate, isolated from the love I have to give, for from him it is not reciprocated and I’m left lonely, ashamed, and betrayed.

For my love I give, for my love I have not that I wish, and for that my love betrays me and I’m left empty and questioning where to turn.

The lies have reduced me to nothing in his eyes, and I no longer can bare to see my reflection in his eyes.

I’m torn, hurt, devastated, and destroyed. He taunts me, teases me and leaves me continually in the recompense to assume his duties to reconcile…

How am I to make amends with this deliverance of mockery to all I hold dear on my own when he has assaulted my core…

Sacred unity, I thought we had, and in this trinity he has brought misdeeds. How can this temple stand in glory full of the things which destroy and annihilate love and life and peace of mind? How can God sanctify this mess, tell me this?

When he is near I cry, to know he lied, to know he courted another and forgot our love. Be-trodden down, I’m broken in this illusion of passion I thought I’d found with him…

Well at least for a moment it was bliss. Is that why they say ignorance is bliss? Does the pull of love make one ignorant to all else, but the beloved, and love is blind they say…

What happened to make me see that love was illusory, was it the lies, I am sure it was; that amidst the chaos of unfulfilled promises amidst the sordid excuses laden with BS!


Written in October 2016

Note: Bewildered for months, yet when I found information about narcissism from Sam Vaknin, it all made sense, and I found peace within me. Yet, astonished at how one can be like that, and endeared myself to wonder where it all began. I sat and observed once I put my heart within a safe place to be able to do so, yet some times it gets pulled a bit, as my gray rock method, comes and goes. It becomes a challenge I think at times to watch for matters of truth to surface even if among the roses there are thorns that pierce. Yet now and again on occasion we talk, and it is mostly straight forward conversation that ensues as we exchange lessons of life, even if perchance it is nothing more than him coming around for sources of narcissist supply. Even narcissists need individuals to help see them through.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s