Month: December 2017

A Player, A Piece, A Pawn

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a player a piece and a pawn

As a child when others hurt me

I’d sit among the ashes that enraged me

As an adult when others hurt me

Into my soul I’d turn and

Into the fire their heart would burn

This life it seems is a trial by fire

The Holy Ghost I pray to carry me

And into the shade of the divine I lay

Yet stand in the face of travesties

To turn and walk in grace

In the shadow of humility

In the battle of truth’s aftermath

A player, a piece, a pawn

to be so moved

at will

by my Master’s hand

Until into the box

of his heart

I am placed

My final

Rest to Race

[to hurt no more…

for those who hurt others

hurt themselves so much more

and when the hand of grace

plays their turn

into the furnace their truths shall burn

to go and sin no more in time

a river of peace to the free

shall be to those purified

by trial and fire, a diamond in the rough

shall shine

to hearts residing in the divine

a light so beautiful and magnificent

it scintillates and radiates

love at every turn

to be knighted

upon a joyous return

the hollowed heart

the hallowed soul

is home

hurt not others

lest ye wish to burn

in the afflictions you create]

 

September 30, 2017

Notes upon reflection of what is written above:

The more I contemplate on these matters…of the heart…I wonder if it is the heart that gets us in trouble…and if perchance some things extraneously seeming to be unrelated that have crossed before my lenses perchance could be related, such as being told…a “secret” is one must obtain their soul, and men’s hearts are evil, and you have no heart….could it be we are to burn our heart out in the quest to seek truth and in that process our soul takes form…could it be not so much heart and soul, but heart then soul…just thoughts….nothing solid….just contemplative thoughts…

What if it is our heart that guides our ego…thus if we remove our heart, perchance our ego is removed, and then the soul finds its home in the hollowed out place our heart used to be….thus this resting place becomes a hallowed sacred ground, fertile for soul to reside…and for it to lead us eternally…? energetically…?

Like when all the desires of the heart have burned and coursed through your veins in this life…what more is there…when the ego thinks all is lost, is when the beauty of the gift of the soul returns to give new life.

it’s a paradox….to be so one with desire…it burns….until it burns no more (is let go/the ego impetus) to where true light then shines forth the truth…a radiant soul…???

perchance a universal soul….

resonance…

Salt in the Wind

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salt pillar amidst serene bkgrnd

A heartbeat leaps

Into a tailspin a hurried pace with much ado

until the dust settles and clarity comes into view

Looking back he sees me

Now I’m not there

In his heart I never was

To take a call now would only make me the fool he tried to play me to be

yet no fool am I

I’m not looking back

for when I walked I shook the dust off my feet

to become a pillar of salt I shall not be

What’s done is done and cannot be undone

Trust is gone taken away with me

Salt to the wind I carry on

 

September 24, 2017

My Stigma and Stigmata

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Rose

I stopped to smell the roses & their fragrance permeates my life.

You may not linger on this path.

 

A choice that affects not my destination but yours

 

Thorns have pricked me; I lay with them and bleed

 

In earnest innocence to atone for my sins

 

I own the burden so great; why more I find myself to bare it seems too much more than I’m guilty of?

 

Through creases I bleed feeling so falsely accused, yet if these deeds I’ve done has brought me to this fate, endlessly shall I bleed to be forgiven no more, yet once more for it all in the end I pray, I live, I breathe to repent in hopes to be absolved.

 

The tears and the memories so bittersweet, the shuddering in my bones cast me into divine surrender for my life is no longer my own, for in God’s hands my mercy falls and in his grace is my hope.

 

My stigma and stigmata, I sit amidst the roses, on a bed of thorns, I see beauty and truth and bleed, my heart is torn, from my chest it ripped to give it all to become no more where love is not.

 

 

Written September 16, 2017, reflecting back on July 27, 2003

 

Sands of Time

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desert
Love written in the sands of time
when you held my hand
the tide washed in
the stormy pain
the lust of sin
to tear two hearts apart
the tears did rain
as the two deceivers took pride
and delight in each other to hide
caught in the snare
of the prince of the air
to seduce with lust
to break former bonds of trust
that was made innocent and true
by the soul of the eyes from the start
to be a friend
in time of need
yet when disease could enter me
it brought me to my knee
my word I had to bend
and in my time of need
the truth he did refuse
as he tore me apart
for denying to face
his part in all the abuse
not only to him
but at my feet he went to place
all his sins
shattered and heart broke
from pain I spoke
the truth did set me free
but for him he cannot see
his truth he cannot state
what shall become of his fate
for now he shall have to eat off his plate
the one he made full of deciet
as pure love he did mistreat
a heart he ripped to pieces
the pieces turned to spikes of ice
to come flaring back at him
the pain of all his sin
will not feel so nice
as nowhere to be found
will be any peace
but like raindrops falling down
the ice will melt
and so will the pain of the sting
when he no longer has felt
the thrusts of his fling
throbbing against his groin
for a babe to come from some woman’s womb
For then he will become a man
and will understand
But the price he will pay
will be true love lost
all for a romp in the hay
among the barley and the hops
in time his head will clear
and the love he will yearn for
will never be near
for he shut that door
He will thirst for more
of the love he will never taste again
and he will wonder what was it all for
For without love, life has no true meaning in the end
and on his knees he will confess his sins
written in the sands of time for when he released my hand
the day will dawn where he will have to stand
to witness the cost of his comeuppance
and face the truth in order for his heart to mend
in order for him to become truly liberated
his addiction he will have to berate
and that day will not come unless he makes haste
to put evil truly in its proper place
far removed away and laid to waste
the sands of time, slowly sifting away this life
How much more time is left to receive heavenly grace
YOLO is such a disgrace
as it does not consider the consequence of what is done
in this life that we have to account for in the next life…
Do we really only live once, or can people be born again
Can anything ever be undone
To stop the mistakes can end the strife…
but when will the final beer hit the trash bin
to save your self when will you begin
Goodbye my short lived friend
perchance in another time we will meet again
June 13, 2002
Note: Sadly I learned in 2009 he died the year before, which happened to be on the afternoon when he and I last saw each other after many years had passed…living fast, driving fast and flipping his car. I tried to warn him years earlier to stop driving so fast.

Don’t Be An Easy Mark

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cyborg sensuality
How hard must his heart be
to be so easy to cast away
block love that came his way
He must be a pro
at taking hearts
placing hands to nether lands
dipping in pools
to drown
his thirst
excuses like fools
no real reason
yet for the treason
he plays
upon his flesh
severed and torn
his game to play
no mind for sensitivity
save his own
he no longer
feels
he runs away
into the den
of thieves he toils
shunning true gifts
and giving his all away
to those who entice
his heart to care
but in the end
he sees they use
just like him
they turn and rend him
and he is confused
not knowing why
making up lies
he hides
in pain
com-busting in fire
he creates
as he forsakes
true love
to uncover
bound by grace
as he surrounds himself
with distractions untold
never connecting
to his soul
filling his plate
with cares
all the while
giving up his air
breathing in sin
so far removed
from that which
reigns deliverance
fearing truth
yet being the mark
easy for fools to abuse
never would I have
allowed that for you
so the ego shuns
that which would
have shown it the way
out of its hell
it wants to stay
and play
and play
and keep you lost
dangling in no man’s land
where love is lost
thrown away
to the wind
the spirit that leads
never being questioned
if friend or foe
to the yearnings
of that which ye heart seeks to know
sleepwalking in your slumber
awaken one day
I pray
you will see through
to make it from there
to where your heart will care
void of self absorption
but drenched in divine charity
to give of one’s self
to divine purpose
in this life
and the next
for what’s it all worth
if a man should gain the world
and lose his soul
searching for love
in all the wrong places
for too long
he no longer recognizes
it when it lands in his lap
the power of goodbye
is to cut ties
with that which kills
and devastates
to come back home
to face one’s heart
to welcome
love
should it pass this way again
no longer in bondage
and free of sin
the humility
to see it
and nourish it
when it comes again
to see it is thy friend
and all else is an imposter
to be cast off
Wear not your cloak of fear
the monster within
is killing you
and tainting all you do
gird your loins with faith
pick up the sword of truth
and face your fate
to deliver yourself
to the table of grace
where the light of your countenance
shines from within
and no evil entity
will dare enter there within
my advice to you
as a spirit based friend
cast aside
for pleasures unknown
to bring the pain
for you to discover
who you are one day
to manifest
in glory
to overcome
the travesties
born of the human race
8/13/2017
Note: There is a possibility his name is in the title!

To Be One

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to be one
Can you make a bird sing
Or a girl smile away a tear
Can you find the joy
in the sound of the rain
Can you see the sun
in the heart
of a man
and be content
to not tell anyone
but to show them
in silence
by reflecting their worth
by sensing the truth
the ego is stilled
and listens to the sounds
not of itself
what matters in the mind
is based on what is perceived
if it matters in the mind
does it rhyme with the sound of the heart
for what matters in what you hear
is if you can hear God in everything
Can you give thanks
to hear a jet stream
to see an insect sting
to see the truth in a tear
and feel the blood scream
To know the truth of fire
when it burns everything
then you tell me
what you see
what you hear
what you feel
what you taste
and who you think you are
and what is in your mind
that separates you from me
separation is an illusion
The love of God
permeates the mind of all things
a man so enlightened
sees all as one
only men who fall
see the blindness of their self
in the delusions of their minds
as they fail to recognize
the thread that can bind
is a spark in the heart
to be fanned
into a flame
of desire
to be one
to transcend
from the bowels of isolation
into the light
that is formless
yet found in everything
and appears
as choices multiplied
to not stay blind
as the veils are removed
by the soul that
sees the light in the eye
And comes to know
It can do all things
By directing its
attention on what matters most
and refuses temptation
to enter dark chambers
of individual mind
for firmly planted
in the light is
to be entered into
the realm of the
heart where
the silence is
bliss amidst the chaos
in which order
is always made
manifest
To those such
enlightened it is
a path open to all
Straight and narrow
is its way
Focused and pointed
multifaceted in array
in that many are called
but few are chosen
Perchance more simpler
is that very few
make the choice
As they refuse to
think they can do
anything and pass
it all off to human nature
as they let go and
blindly keep walking
further from truth
within to be discovered
in all things
Even the colors of light
spread 7 rays, yet
merge into one
To be pure to enter the
gates
the mind
must transform
energy and all its
state into one!
To become
white light
unblemished
by time
Man must
re-compensate
this spiritual
birth in
order for his
soul to be
delivered unto
these universal truths
To fail to see light
In all you do is
to fall into mortal Lands
where under the shadows
lurk the fears
of the dark
A vigilance to be steadfast
to not be blinded
by the light and
slip into darkness
but to awaken
that which ye see is
light divine, so the
spirit can merge
with thy soul as one by
liberty derived
of the freedoms of choice
given to us all who so choose
to be born as One!
November 13, 2002
Note: I tend to type things out as they were written on the page. Pages have limitations to how much can fit on one line. Yet I also tend to think, I capture the cadence of the thought, somewhat dissecting each one line by line. I realize I could take some time to edit the lines, yet to keep the meanings of where cadence of thought was operative, I have not.

Silent Dreams

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Silent dreams
In every moment I feel you here
In the garden the flowers in bloom
In my heart your smile radiates
In my prayers you are there
In the night I kick a coin
I light the ground to find a penny
I look to the stars above
and sing to the depths of my soul
a prayer
waste not our smiles
a silent heart felt dream
a fantasy to penetrate my senses
Obsessing my mind
Compelling my desire
to be bridled, yet unleashed
the passions to love
coursing through my veins
yearning for you to love me
and so much I want to give to you
my whole existence
standing at this crossroad
knowing now is meant to be
waiting to see if you understand
Divinely brought face to face
I know it’s true
by blessed virtue
Yet, I know too
if we force this flower to bloom too soon
it will be as forcing a butterfly from its cocoon
I sit and wait in this silent fortitude
That is perpetually filling every pore
The push and pull welling within me
to know the facts of circumstance
is enough to cause me to run and hide
yet the spiritual woman yearns with open arms
and heart to endure this test
as I learn to allow divine grace to flow
in heart, mind, body and soul
Don’t tell me this is love if it is not
For I am falling in love, and love is all I want….
8/02/2001

River of Light

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river of light
Come to the river and play with me
Come to the garden and smell life in bloom
The fragrance of love
saturates me
penetrates my soul
can your merge with me
and be like me
and I like you
Can you feel me
and know how you feel to me
Can I be in your skin and see
me from your point of view
Or is this all so futile
To get so close
Is it even possible
Come to the River and play with me
Where I wash all cares away
Free to love
Free to be
Where I want to be
In the garden where love’s in bloom
Where I can be the flower
or the bird
to fly
to cease to be me
but to be anything
I want to be
The air
that wafts
from here to there
Flowing through
the water fall
into the drop of water
Celestial flight
pulls me in
To see the glimpse
in through the window
of all creation
Heaven born
In an instant
I am back
Left now wondering
if that is where I long to be…
2003

Looking Back

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ladygodiva
Something in the way you looked back at me
to see if I was okay
Made my mind’s eye take notice
As I see you so candidly in my reflections
of that day
Something in me knew
in you I could trust
The horse moving under you
running to be free
But your gaze is frozen in my heart
To see you have such gentle control
of an animal wild on its course
yet holding the reigns in no fear
you took your eyes off the path
as you showed concern about me
True nobility in action
a selfless act
no doubt
You looked so sexy, gentle and carefree
with the wild and natural all around
to the tameness of your command
And as a result I’m tamed
in awe as I glanced upon
the man in the rawness of the moment
I could see you
At least at that moment in time
Your heart was with me
2003

Falling Prostate to Circumstance

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prostate
Too many drift from one thing to the next, yet here I am
falling prostate examining the facets
tender passions flood each cell
as frustrations ride waves
cresting breaths
released in sighs
Replaying choices and responses
trying to make meaning
of what to know
to grow
Love floods, yet unrest emerges, then cynicism takes a bite
to cast away blame
yet at my feet
my acts of consequence
to overthink and analyze
through lenses multiple views
now in turn I am magnified
I look for answers
wanting to change the answers
yet they I must face
yet which holds truth
To love with abandon
seems so pure
a choice of innocence
for that I shall not bare shame
yet I must ask
what drove me
to give up
on one request
[the rune I pulled when asking if there would ever be another chance
I went to place it upright yet kept it reversed as it was set down
Abundance, yet reversed directed me to look at my will, verses possessions…]
to be loved
and to love
I obliged
for love to possess
yet I am reminded that one who loves can only be possessed of that which he loves
this cannot be forced, for none can possess another, that much I know is true
yet were actions
blurred by possessions
moments spent reminding me
of how life used to be
when I could shop
something now I do
rarely only out of necessity
It was not about possessions
it was about a life more at ease
something familiar beckoning me
to go and explore
and be led
to be a satellite
felt right
like home…
so the choice was within my will
directed by my heart to love…
knowing it was the right thing to do…
yet when pain of divisive moments ascended
it put me in a tailspin
of questioning such a fate
to know these energies
were wreaking havoc
stepping aside to be fair
as I saw attention elsewhere
my intellect thrown back at me
falling prostate
to gain meaning
as I see his heart is not with me
where to turn
to find purpose
in lessons shared
not so easy to let it all go
yet on by it flows
sifting through pieces
of knowns and unknowns
discovering new questions to ask
and new directives to explore
I saturate in these tides of emotions
that wash over me, some calm and some torrential
some useless speculations
and some pointed truths
for time to reveal
at your feet I lay
my burdens to bare
my heart to spare
8/2017