I saw the face of death tonight
His life passed in the end
a tear of blood
The purple of passion
I wore disrobed today
as to bed I go
on this night of
my grandfather’s hand
I held
the night he died
A saint’s tear
The life lived
and shed
in a moment the drop
of blood dried
Yet red right
outside his left eye
To heaven he ascends
I love him so and
always will in spite
of the life I held in
my hand tonight has left
But with me in spirit he will always be
Dec. 6. 2006
STUDENT: How do we not feel anger when we feel we have been treated unjust? Will there not be a consequence of shutting off that emotion?
SPIRITUALIST: Techniques to Avoid Anger
It all begins in thought (Single most powerful thing a human can do is think). Anger is not a natural state. Anger is a learned behavior. Stop practicing anger, distance yourself from it.
Accept it in your heart and in your head…that all your past experiences, were those that are and will continue to be a part of life. We all have differing sets of bad experiences including the ones that were practiced against us.
Now that we have survived it be grateful that you are left standing and did not die in the process…many have you know. You may be severely scarred and hurt, but you are at least standing…be grateful for it.
Forgive those trespasses as you seek forgiveness for your trespasses. Let the past go…
(STUDENT’S THOUGHT: Otherwise we perpetuate the destructive cycle)
It’s never the injustices that were practiced against you that matter as to WHO YOU BECOME. It is your ATTITUDE to those experiences that dictates as to who you are or will become.
If your attitude is ANGER to those sets of experiences, then that is what you have become and will indeed pass on your heritage keeping this shit alive for yet many generations…
(STUDENT’S THOUGHT: So, as you have said before, we must unlearn)
If your attitude is forgiveness as demonstrated by your ACTIONS OF NO ANGER, that is what you have gone on to become and will indeed pass on your heritage keeping this nobility alive for yet many generations…
That ought to be reason enough to practice No Anger…Lord knows there are enough people practicing anger on the other side of the fence….we need to populate some folks to counter balance this stuff…thinking, acceptance, and forgiveness of the past is essential, then also some of the techniques as I have taught you of breathing and being less judgmental, distrusting, and suspicious and more loving will also help a great deal…
Now there will be those who are practitioners of anger and will draw you out into their adrenaline jungle (jungle of misbehavior). Some of those people will be very close to you who cannot be avoided such as your family, ex husband…etc. Then there will be those with whom you can minimize your contact with, yet be around them.
I avoid people who tend to draw me into that jungle as I need to practice anger less and less. Now if they happen to be customers or acquaintances, I have shaped my work and life in manner to do that, as I am the architect of my circumstance.
I can talk, teach, show by example, then I have to withdraw as they are not ready for my lessons and it is indeed, “casting pearls before swine”, and I certainly don’t want to be in the company of negative emotion because I don’t want to wake up with fleas.
Sometimes people know what hot buttons of yours to press. If you find people deliberately doing that then it is time, to talk, to teach, and if they persist in not learning then it is time to find better company. The idea here is to find environments in which you will not have to practice anger, but if you are the one that keeps manufacturing anger at every step of the way, from a bad tennis back hand to driving on the highway, it may not be others who are doing this to you rather you doing this to others. Sooner or later your anger will leave you, this I can promise you. The question is, how much damage will you do to others and yourself in the mean time?
As in my example of a patient with a drinking problem, his only salvation is to STOP IT, JUST NOT DO IT. So it is with the practitioner of anger.
Breathing will help, counting to 10 will help, acceptance will help, thinking will help, when the sun comes up, it will help, when it rains too, it will help, but in the end…not reading bad books that legitimize anger will help, running, meditation, pumping iron, eating right and getting good sleep will help, watching TV will help, cleaning carpet will help, staying busy will help…but in the end…
IT IS YOUR COMMITMENT AND YOUR OBEDIENCE TO YOUR COMMITMENT. YOUR WILL AND YOUR OBEDIENCE TO YOUR WILL THAT WILL HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL, NEVER GIVING IN EVEN ONCE, NEVER.
Any book that teaches you otherwise is garbage. I AM DONE.
Well now you gotta practice it remember…intentions don’t mean a hill of beans. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
As K**du (a military instructor he had) said which I quoted him in my book and as I have written in my poetry…actually was taught by my teachers prior to K**du who re-affirmed it to me much later in life…
YOU ARE YOUR COMMITMENT! Commitment here is not just a thought. COMMITMENT HERE IS IMPLEMENTED ACTION.
You have to develop it into a habit. Like anything else it takes practice, in your waking moments and in your sleep, at all times until it becomes a way of life.
(STUDENT’S THOUGHTS: PRAY & Meditate on this Every Morning & Night!)
Note on “unlearning”: We are born and come into this world where all the values, beliefs of our parents, caretakers and society start shaping us. At some point we come to an age of reason. Some will see their beliefs were shaped by systems and individuals that are flawed, and we must unlearn these things. I once eluded his actions and teachings to that of a brain washing, and he would reply, all humans need their brains washed cleaned in order to return to the purity of right thinking and actions, thereby taking personal responsibility to do so without blaming anyone else for who they are.
I want you to let it go
Don’t keep it in
Blow it out
Hold up your chin
Don’t you pout
I just want to let you know
I can help
But I can’t
You need a hug
Don’t you know
Give your self
To your self
Keep it in
Let it out
Share your grief
To find relief
Find the joy
Release the pain
Don’t be vain
It’s insane
You deserve to protect your self
That’s okay
So say today
I’ll find my self
Say it true
Don’t be blue
Find the colors in your life
Fight the strife
Don’t you die
Don’t you dwell
I just have to say
To you be well
Find the answers
In your heart
Create a solution
Mend it to give
Your self a resolution
Don’t be gray
Be gay
Love your self
Know its true
It’s okay
To feel that way
There’s a rainbow
In the sky
You can find it
If you try…
You can fly!
Written in the 80’s
Taking a general psychology class, the instructor broke and revealed personal issues, and upon introspection of the subject matter, and his discourse, this was inspired.
Interesting notion of the “self”….prior to me ever learning about the “philosophical belief systems” associated with Atman in Hinduism.
Should I look to the sky
to find the reason why
Should I whisper your name
across the water to send a message
to you
Should I blow a dandelion
your way
Would you hear
Could you see
The moon in the sky
At the same time as I
What kind of synapses
did you break
What was the purpose
Just to see
A whim perchance on me
Are your walls painted red
Is the blood of my soul
on your hands
Am I your sacrificial lamb
Note: Written in the Spring of 96’, related to the cathartic process I was experiencing, surround by energies of a “so called healer” already referenced elsewhere, questioning the energies, and quantum thought capabilities, associated with cording energetics. Never titled this piece, so…kinda thinking, Sacrificial Lamb, or Synapses….went with Synapses…because after all, it was my life I was sacrificing, due to synapses breaking during the cathartic journey I was embarking upon.
I sat at the feet of the Buddha
with flowers, and incense
and the burning of candles of gold around white wax
day after day, and night after night
in my suffering of lost desires
and promises made but broken
in the ashes of the fire that raged my soul
to witness the bloodletting of my heart
in pain acknowledging the pain I caused
in not knowing how to respond
all the while aiming to go forth in love
Yet falling miserably short
Apologizing endlessly amidst the streams of tears
Falling, as I saw my failings I fell to pieces with every drop
Knowing I was nothing in the state I found myself living within
Nothing of my dreams did I taste, but only the mourning of their escape
Far from my reach they vanished
Until I died a silent internal death
My shadow stood before my grave
peering down on me
I’m not a Buddhist
yet on my knees
there before my Grandmother’s Buddha
A treasure of art to me
Of sentimental value
It just happened to be the place
I knelt in solitude
I prayed to God
I prayed to be forgiven
I prayed to be Christ like
and realized how painful it must of been for him
Living in this world of sin
That people such as I create and perpetuate
The darkness of eternity grasping me
choking me
endlessly I cried
often in a daze
lighting candles for those I hurt
prayers for the innocent
prayers to be forgiven by N****
Prayers to be able to dream again
to breathe in freedom of pain
To love again
months went by in my endless abyss
hanging on a thread just to feed myself
and children and animals
and then back into bed to sleep
To listen to my heart
seeing visions of fire
hearing the beating of drums merging into my heart beat
Feeling the energies of wind and spirit
wrapping around my rib cage
crushing me
taking the breath from my lungs
slowing the beating of the blood through my heart
The sounds in my heart I could hear most vividly in my head
My body lie motionless
In my surrenderous upheaval
Days go by
until one day I awaken to God within
My divinity bursting at the seams
Ecstatic to breathe again
In the liberation of awakening
the pain it vanished
yet days went on
in countless rectifications
Unbearable to ever go there again
I shudder at the thought
I am cold to the fire of those days
No longer Attachment do I feel
yet a stranger with eyes knowing came my way
he offered the water
my soul so desperately starved for
the passions of love
Blazing pure
I found myself giving
In honor of past sacrifices
of love gave to me by another
Yet, wrapped up in expectations
I found myself drowning in again
My heart that beat again, began to die
To witness the sins of mine as well as that of man
instead of losing sight of my life this time
I went forward to regain divine mind
Knowing that God loves me
Knowing that God has plans for me to follow through on
Steadfast I plow in my plight
Stumbling with might to learn grace
Now again, I see that I have bludgeoned the knife of pain
by my acts into my very own soul
for the conscious lacking of faith to give birth
to the child of the man
who reduced me to ash in the past
Who offered me new hope this time with
promises of love to be bestowed forever more
Yet my heart it felt apprehension
As I knew his militant ways
It sat and watched for truth
Feelings of love overwhelming
I felt in totality with him
Yet I could not give it to myself all alone
I could not allow myself to become attached
Because of all the blood I let in the past
In his presence,
I was liberated from feeling his wrath of the past
Yet, when alone the memory stood fast
As triggered subtle but pointed reminders
came forth from their recesses
I chose to stay clear of that fire
That ravaged and consumed my entire being
that sought to suffocate me in the past,
Yet not immune to mistakes
of non attachment to even my own flesh
that I have now made and must face
Thus I now see that I am not totally free
I have new tasks ahead
to rectify my heart
My searching will not end in bringing light to misdeeds
That of mine as well as that of others
Yet only mine can I truly judge
And judge now only what my heart can bare
As I must keep enough strength
To overcome my weaknesses
I let the rest of judgements of others
be the Lords
As only he is capable of bringing
the warmth of love and life
back into all souls, as he will judge mine
Yet, I refuse to be the cripple
that others set out to make me
I stand again to face the light
its my birthright to cleanse these stains
to win this fight over my self destructive ways
All alone it would appear I am
I am far from living in righteous truth
Yet so close at times to see and feel it
I continue my dance to and fro,
in and out of it to extremes
To hold on to my dreams
Then again to let go of the misery expectation can bring
To find mercy to be free
And complete in truth
with God I am never alone
As he lifts me from
what I can not bare
Yet my mistakes
unconscious, now conscious
they distance me
Yet serve to show my frailty and my need
to come again to be closer to thee
in heart and soul
in spirit and matter
To help me see what is real of spirit in front of me
eliminating vain ideologies
To cast away the weeds and vines
of travesties of sin that kill
To be or not to be
in my surrender to God’s destiny for me
This test of faith
Always presenting itself before me
Oh Dear God, unharden my heart
This non attachment can be cruel
I pray to gain compassion and mercy
Without it killing me, or others
To truly be free of desire
and suffering from these mortal hands I bare
12-(27-28)-2000
Note: So many different events encapsulated in this some referenced in other writings….some hard to find the right words to convey the experiences.
Maybe for a minute
Maybe for a day
Maybe just a second
If so blessed we may
Have the world as our oyster
Let this token of our meeting
Remind us of the moment
Our rendezvous with destiny rang true
Inside our world you will
Find the pearl of our union
There is a water mark in the middle
Between the two halves
Let this be a symbol of the love that will flow freely
Between us two
On one half there is a blemish
If the pearl is held in the light
I think of this to be a representation of the pain
Our hearts have felt, and yet in that pain
The reflective nature is that of beauty
Maybe for a week
Maybe for a year
Just maybe for an eternity
December of 1996
In a globe limoge, a pearl was placed and offered as a token gift, and in return pearls of wisdom immeasurable have been received.
“How will I know?” to the fakir the question was asked by the man in search of his cosmic twin. The fakir reached down and picked up a pink pearl and gave it to the man and said, “She will give you one of these”. Mind you, the question did not ask how will I know who SHE is, it was just, how will I know?
A fairy tale indeed…a good story right, or was it the truth?
Update, my birthday 2017:
I gave a gift of a pearl once as noted above. In Satellite Beach subsequently eating oysters with the recipient of the pearl, 7 small pearls were found by me, one after the other practically as I sat to eat 2 dozen raw oysters. I had only found 1 on rare occasion prior to that when eating oysters, and many oysters I have eaten. That event was utilized to illustrate a point, I shall not delve into here! Tonight, I found this one (not pictured here, but it is in the pictures found under the Gallery of Ideas on Pictures Tab). It is the biggest pearl I’ve ever found in an oyster.
Happy Birthday to me, I found this pearl a gift from the sea…I happily exclaimed in poetic cadence. My heart was smiling, because I knew.
You see, when God gives you a dollar bill, you take it, and acknowledge it and be thankful. For some these small seemingly things do not hold significance, but given the events in my life, this very well could be a miracle.
A promise
An oath
A word of honor
What is a promise
Is this an exercise in futility for me
How often have I not kept my word
You say
I’m not making any promises
I think
What is the motivation behind that
Is it a fearless heart
Or a wandering dick
I should not be as trivial as this
As my sarcastic wit
Deludes my serious inquiry
You say
You are more beautiful
When I make my home more beautiful
What kind of logic is that
If I am to forsake materiality
Am I not beautiful in spite
Of my belongings or possessions
It may be true that the way one keeps his house
May be an indication of who they are
Yet when I am in bed having sex with the cat
Who’ll prowl and scratch at my time
Get under my skin and offer no help
He forsakes me by these shallow words
For I do have promises to keep
My core spends time with those I adore
And it is my hopes they shan’t ignore
Their own genuine nobility towards me
If not, at least for humanity
2-25-99
Ruby eyes shine like fire
Come in out of the pain
Begging with desire
To want you
Come child meet the fire
Your heart bleeds
I hearing you calling my name
Come closer, can’t you feel my power
It’s glowing all around you
Take my blood
Take my name
Come face to face
Meet your match
Sign your soul to me in blood
Drink my wine
Eat my fruit
Quench your lonely thirst
Don’t be blinded by the light
Close your eyes, hold my hand
Everything will be alright
Kiss of death, warm and wet
Intoxicate your every breath
Ignite the burning in your thighs
Mount the sword of seeds thrown high
Step into the eternal light
Open up, taste the rain
Feel my presence in your veins
Don’t say no
Give to me your mind
Join eternity divine
Souls together bind
Visions of mankind
My name is your name
Written in the rush
of blood that heats your passion
Lighting candles in your flower
Now you have my power
So wipe the tears off your eyes
They shine like rubies in the fire
Kiss of Death
Warm and wet, intoxicate your every breath
Dance my dance, Feel the joy
Sing my song, feel the pain
Don’t you go
Don’t stray from the fire
I know your name
Don’t forget your quenched desire
I know where you are
Stay close to my power
You cannot escape me
Remember, I am you
You won’t go far
Ruby eyes wander in the night
Searching…You’ll return
To the flame shining bright
The one that knows
It’s understanding glows
Kiss of Death, Warm and wet
Reign power to our souls
Rule the Sun with our control
Ruby eyes reunite
The world is ours tonight
Written in the 80’s
Note: I was going to college, and ended up eating out, and ran into an interesting person, who invited me and a waitress to go back stage to a Molly Hatchet concert. After the show we went to a bar with the band and others, and this person secretly arranged to have no car there, and asked me to drive him back to the club so he could retrieve his car. Well, he had on a bracelet that had a skull on it with red ruby eyes, maybe real rubies, or just rhinestones. I was a bit intrigued as he was quite mysterious. I drove him to the club, and he leaned toward me so quick and planted a kiss upon my lips (not warm and wet) before getting out of my car, I found myself a bit freaked out because it excited me. I found myself responding to smooch him back real quick, and then telling him that would never happen again. It never happened again, but we developed a friendship. He grew up around the Pulitzers, and was born in France. He was an eccentric person involved in music and other businesses. Upon visiting his house one day, I saw books on his shelves in different languages on all manner of esoteric sciences. I did not mention these matters to him, yet at the time taking courses in philosophy my mind was starting to explore all manner of human thought. I set out to find some of the books, and in that process acquired much knowledge of esoteric practices, to which I do not subscribe to in practice. However, also reading and analyzing quite a bit of Shakespeare amidst writing analytical papers on his writings, I would take a break, and this fantasy piece just flowed like magic from my pen. A fantasy tribute to Axfxxxo Bach, and nothing more than my imagination about his endeavors running amuck through my mind….a temptation never to be explored…..because perchance if I had, it would have been a kiss of death to every thing I held sacred.
The Mind is a Garden Thirsty for Knowledge 