I sat at the feet of the Buddha

with flowers, and incense

and the burning of candles of gold around white wax

day after day, and night after night

in my suffering of lost desires

and promises made but broken

in the ashes of the fire that raged my soul

to witness the bloodletting of my heart

in pain acknowledging the pain I caused

in not knowing how to respond

all the while aiming to go forth in love

Yet falling miserably short

Apologizing endlessly amidst the streams of tears

Falling, as I saw my failings I fell to pieces with every drop

Knowing I was nothing in the state I found myself living within

Nothing of my dreams did I taste, but only the mourning of their escape

Far from my reach they vanished

Until I died a silent internal death

My shadow stood before my grave

peering down on me

I’m not a Buddhist

yet on my knees

there before my Grandmother’s Buddha

A treasure of art to me

Of sentimental value

It just happened to be the place

I knelt in solitude

I prayed to God

I prayed to be forgiven

I prayed to be Christ like

and realized how painful it must of been for him

Living in this world of sin

That people such as I create and perpetuate

The darkness of eternity grasping me

choking me

endlessly I cried

often in a daze

lighting candles for those I hurt

prayers for the innocent

prayers to be forgiven by N****

Prayers to be able to dream again

to breathe in freedom of pain

To love again

months went by in my endless abyss

hanging on a thread just to feed myself

and children and animals

and then back into bed to sleep

To listen to my heart

seeing visions of fire

hearing the beating of drums merging into my heart beat

Feeling the energies of wind and spirit

wrapping around my rib cage

crushing me

taking the breath from my lungs

slowing the beating of the blood through my heart

The sounds in my heart I could hear most vividly in my head

My body lie motionless

In my surrenderous upheaval

Days go by

until one day I awaken to God within

My divinity bursting at the seams

Ecstatic to breathe again

In the liberation of awakening

the pain it vanished

yet days went on

in countless rectifications

Unbearable to ever go there again

I shudder at the thought

I am cold to the fire of those days

No longer Attachment do I feel

yet a stranger with eyes knowing came my way

he offered the water

my soul so desperately starved for

the passions of love

Blazing pure

I found myself giving

In honor of past sacrifices

of love gave to me by another

Yet, wrapped up in expectations

I found myself drowning in again

My heart that beat again, began to die

To witness the sins of mine as well as that of man

instead of losing sight of my life this time

I went forward to regain divine mind

Knowing that God loves me

Knowing that God has plans for me to follow through on

Steadfast I plow in my plight

Stumbling with might to learn grace

Now again, I see that I have bludgeoned the knife of pain

by my acts into my very own soul

for the conscious lacking of faith to give birth

to the child of the man

who reduced me to ash in the past

Who offered me new hope this time with

promises of love to be bestowed forever more

Yet my heart it felt apprehension

As I knew his militant ways

It sat and watched for truth

Feelings of love overwhelming

I felt in totality with him

Yet I could not give it to myself all alone

I could not allow myself to become attached

Because of all the blood I let in the past

In his presence,

I was liberated from feeling his wrath of the past

Yet, when alone the memory stood fast

As triggered subtle but pointed reminders

came forth from their recesses

I chose to stay clear of that fire

That ravaged and consumed my entire being

that sought to suffocate me in the past,

Yet not immune to mistakes

of non attachment to even my own flesh

that I have now made and must face

Thus I now see that I am not totally free

I have new tasks ahead

to rectify my heart

My searching will not end in bringing light to misdeeds

That of mine as well as that of others

Yet only mine can I truly judge

And judge now only what my heart can bare

As I must keep enough strength

To overcome my weaknesses

I let the rest of judgements of others

be the Lords

As only he is capable of bringing

the warmth of love and life

back into all souls, as he will judge mine

Yet, I refuse to be the cripple

that others set out to make me

I stand again to face the light

its my birthright to cleanse these stains

to win this fight over my self destructive ways

All alone it would appear I am

I am far from living in righteous truth

Yet so close at times to see and feel it

I continue my dance to and fro,

in and out of it to extremes

To hold on to my dreams

Then again to let go of the misery expectation can bring

To find mercy to be free

And complete in truth

with God I am never alone

As he lifts me from

what I can not bare

Yet my mistakes

unconscious, now conscious

they distance me

Yet serve to show my frailty and my need

to come again to be closer to thee

in heart and soul

in spirit and matter

To help me see what is real of spirit in front of me

eliminating vain ideologies

To cast away the weeds and vines

of travesties of sin that kill

To be or not to be

in my surrender to God’s destiny for me

This test of faith

Always presenting itself before me

Oh Dear God, unharden my heart

This non attachment can be cruel

I pray to gain compassion and mercy

Without it killing me, or others

To truly be free of desire

and suffering from these mortal hands I bare

12-(27-28)-2000

Note: So many different events encapsulated in this some referenced in other writings….some hard to find the right words to convey the experiences.