I sat at the feet of the Buddha
with flowers, and incense
and the burning of candles of gold around white wax
day after day, and night after night
in my suffering of lost desires
and promises made but broken
in the ashes of the fire that raged my soul
to witness the bloodletting of my heart
in pain acknowledging the pain I caused
in not knowing how to respond
all the while aiming to go forth in love
Yet falling miserably short
Apologizing endlessly amidst the streams of tears
Falling, as I saw my failings I fell to pieces with every drop
Knowing I was nothing in the state I found myself living within
Nothing of my dreams did I taste, but only the mourning of their escape
Far from my reach they vanished
Until I died a silent internal death
My shadow stood before my grave
peering down on me
I’m not a Buddhist
yet on my knees
there before my Grandmother’s Buddha
A treasure of art to me
Of sentimental value
It just happened to be the place
I knelt in solitude
I prayed to God
I prayed to be forgiven
I prayed to be Christ like
and realized how painful it must of been for him
Living in this world of sin
That people such as I create and perpetuate
The darkness of eternity grasping me
choking me
endlessly I cried
often in a daze
lighting candles for those I hurt
prayers for the innocent
prayers to be forgiven by N****
Prayers to be able to dream again
to breathe in freedom of pain
To love again
months went by in my endless abyss
hanging on a thread just to feed myself
and children and animals
and then back into bed to sleep
To listen to my heart
seeing visions of fire
hearing the beating of drums merging into my heart beat
Feeling the energies of wind and spirit
wrapping around my rib cage
crushing me
taking the breath from my lungs
slowing the beating of the blood through my heart
The sounds in my heart I could hear most vividly in my head
My body lie motionless
In my surrenderous upheaval
Days go by
until one day I awaken to God within
My divinity bursting at the seams
Ecstatic to breathe again
In the liberation of awakening
the pain it vanished
yet days went on
in countless rectifications
Unbearable to ever go there again
I shudder at the thought
I am cold to the fire of those days
No longer Attachment do I feel
yet a stranger with eyes knowing came my way
he offered the water
my soul so desperately starved for
the passions of love
Blazing pure
I found myself giving
In honor of past sacrifices
of love gave to me by another
Yet, wrapped up in expectations
I found myself drowning in again
My heart that beat again, began to die
To witness the sins of mine as well as that of man
instead of losing sight of my life this time
I went forward to regain divine mind
Knowing that God loves me
Knowing that God has plans for me to follow through on
Steadfast I plow in my plight
Stumbling with might to learn grace
Now again, I see that I have bludgeoned the knife of pain
by my acts into my very own soul
for the conscious lacking of faith to give birth
to the child of the man
who reduced me to ash in the past
Who offered me new hope this time with
promises of love to be bestowed forever more
Yet my heart it felt apprehension
As I knew his militant ways
It sat and watched for truth
Feelings of love overwhelming
I felt in totality with him
Yet I could not give it to myself all alone
I could not allow myself to become attached
Because of all the blood I let in the past
In his presence,
I was liberated from feeling his wrath of the past
Yet, when alone the memory stood fast
As triggered subtle but pointed reminders
came forth from their recesses
I chose to stay clear of that fire
That ravaged and consumed my entire being
that sought to suffocate me in the past,
Yet not immune to mistakes
of non attachment to even my own flesh
that I have now made and must face
Thus I now see that I am not totally free
I have new tasks ahead
to rectify my heart
My searching will not end in bringing light to misdeeds
That of mine as well as that of others
Yet only mine can I truly judge
And judge now only what my heart can bare
As I must keep enough strength
To overcome my weaknesses
I let the rest of judgements of others
be the Lords
As only he is capable of bringing
the warmth of love and life
back into all souls, as he will judge mine
Yet, I refuse to be the cripple
that others set out to make me
I stand again to face the light
its my birthright to cleanse these stains
to win this fight over my self destructive ways
All alone it would appear I am
I am far from living in righteous truth
Yet so close at times to see and feel it
I continue my dance to and fro,
in and out of it to extremes
To hold on to my dreams
Then again to let go of the misery expectation can bring
To find mercy to be free
And complete in truth
with God I am never alone
As he lifts me from
what I can not bare
Yet my mistakes
unconscious, now conscious
they distance me
Yet serve to show my frailty and my need
to come again to be closer to thee
in heart and soul
in spirit and matter
To help me see what is real of spirit in front of me
eliminating vain ideologies
To cast away the weeds and vines
of travesties of sin that kill
To be or not to be
in my surrender to God’s destiny for me
This test of faith
Always presenting itself before me
Oh Dear God, unharden my heart
This non attachment can be cruel
I pray to gain compassion and mercy
Without it killing me, or others
To truly be free of desire
and suffering from these mortal hands I bare
12-(27-28)-2000
Note: So many different events encapsulated in this some referenced in other writings….some hard to find the right words to convey the experiences.