I sit now and I cry, and cry, and cry
and I know I must keep hope alive
I feel like such a fool at times
for keeping such an open heart
I fight for truth, but no one understands
they seem to be so blind some times
I just give away love in all the wrong ways
I am so trying to draw the line
and have my boundaries respected
yet time and time again
I give and give and no one cares
I don’t understand this
They say, men love bitches
but I refuse to be a bitch
what good would that do me in the end
I am not a manipulative friend
No one recognizes the pure of heart anymore
and not that my heart is pure
for Lord knows I have screwed up so many times
I am just trying in earnest to rectify my life
by the choice to be open
in heart, in truth, in sharing of life’s experience
Hoping some where along this path
I’ll find joy in my surrender to love in so by doing this
and pray this is the way
that will release me
from the pain
the way to repent
the way to atonement
the way home
where love abounds
and joy is ultimately found…
one day, I hope, I pray
lest I give up
and just go away
annihilate
into the dark abyss
I have to keep strong to know
the abyss is a snare in thinking to entertain
yet to feel so much nothingness
it would seem to just make that fate complete
to be nothing, nothing at all anymore
For what is it all for
when to love
leaves me this way
the only thing I do know
is that to walk this path
there is a humility so deep
that even the smallest of gifts that come my way
I am able to see and appreciate
even the ugly truth has a beauty
A few months ago
I felt as though I had no more love to give
and asked what more is there
when one gives all their love away
is that the time when the end draws near
I surrendered and found myself in highs
I had never experienced before
yet when it all came crashing down
I had to ask what now
what is on the other side of love
I don’t think this question comes from fear
for love is where fear does not exist
the implication without fears, love will be
yet in me, love to give, is it still there when given all away
or do we never give it all away
is it always near to give
no matter how sad one can be at a love forlorn
can we re-tap into that well
some go numb
some fill the void with things to stay stuck
but what good does that do to disconnect
for when one disconnects from their heart
and ability to give love
one becomes truly lost amidst the world of fears
that always paralyze
I will not do the bidding of fear
it must be cast away continually
so to choose to spend a time or two in reflection
and grieve the loss of dreams
of things so easy to imagine from a heart seeking to love and be loved in return
is a moment to not get trapped in
for I guess the true trap is the illusory expectation hopes can reign
yet love does have conditions
perchance not expectations
yet few can understand this difference
I still struggle with this notion
to love without expectation or attachment
for what is wrong with dreaming to love and be loved in return
what is wrong with wanting to find someone to become one with
is this just a biblical fantasy notion
that causes such unrest when unfulfilled, or unmet
I still think
it should be okay to let what comes
Come what may
to love until my dying day
for what harm is there to love
for there is everything to lose by not doing so
At least I came up from the depths of surrendering
to see I could open my heart as wide as the sky again
how many times shall I do this before
I die
and will it be all in vain
this question I suppose is riddled with fear
even I have to kick fear in its teeth
time and time again…
and choose love
even if alone….
to give away
each and every day…
and expect nothing in return
such an ultimate surrender to this notion
it is the right thing to do…
planting seeds of love…
when shall it fully bloom in me
or maybe I am just the vessel with seeds…to give away
Need to find myself some fertile ground where love for me grows…
I suppose…
and if not…cry, and maybe the tears will wash away the pain
and water the love to grow once again…whether the seed lands
in me, or I give them away…
just keep faith
until the end…
rise from the field of Maya
and repose in absolution
8/4/2017
The Mind is a Garden Thirsty for Knowledge 