Given we are all entering a new year, I thought I would share a gem of thought from a book I read called,Entering the Circle by Olga Kharitidi Yahontova, that has encouraged me to think deeper regarding my choices in life.
On a journey into the Altai Mountains with one of her patients, the Russian psychologist and author, shares in her book that she discovered the wisdom conveyed to her about making decisions in life. When determining a path in life if you can answer yes, to whether it will bring health, light, truth, happiness and harmony, then proceed.
If it is missing these elements then perchance one should re-evaluate their decisions and choices.
it resonated to me and that is what I sought to enshrine our lives within
I was only 18 then,
speaking from the heart
video captured the private moment we did share
Times we traveled through
where you into infidelities fled
our hearts young forgiving
and raising our children
we struggled to mend
until it came to an end
after years gone by
an end to our trinity
not even sure
we ever had it
in my searching
I thought I would be free
to go on to find a love that was pure
and in the process
a man from a distant land
appeared before me
to take my hand
and in the process
things happened so fast
and before the throne I stood
asking for baptism
to initially be dismissed
only to find before the new year began
a spiritual union, baptism, ordainment and calling
laid at my feet
and placed on my crown
I thought why me
there is nothing special about me
for me to accept this notion
perchance would lead me into delusion
I wrestled in the days after
saying this could not be spoken about
but in my heart I would acknowledge it
He called himself a Master
said he had been searching his whole life for me
I thought he was weaving fairy tales
not too sure he was sane to say such things
I struggled to understand the East
as I looked from the Western point of view
countless struggles in this process
yet never ending they ensued
always me searching for truth in these matters
not wanting to be taken in by false prophets
for you see it was not too long after separation
I discovered the forces that aided me in that feat
were most questionable as the psychologist I spoke with
was working with bands and one at the time clearly among the dispersing images of entities
to be More Human than Human it would seem
I learned of these matters
after I had become free as I spoke of things
that had caused me pain
only to find this mental man was entrenched
within the teachings of the healing arts
associated with herbal-ism as well as curanderismo
I felt he corded me, and for that I severed ties
not to be ensnared with a yoke I would not wear
to then within a few months later to find myself
being told my feet would be held to the fire
and to not piss in my own soup bowl
that if I listened and learned
among the wise I could be a fly on their wall
I let those things pass through me not caring for them at all
yet taking note and wondering what he must have been talking about
you see my friend, and master, who somehow in some way
had taken me to be his wife
this was not a marriage of man
thus I failed to understand
and could not reconcile quite what to do
Amidst our conversations one day, I told him about something that had happened one day
we were talking about how there are forces in this world
I told him, I agreed, for I had stumbled upon
finding that out in a most dramatic way
At the age of 11, I lived in a complex
and I along with 4 other girls decided to play together
as they came to my apartment
where we were doing preteen things such as at the time
kids would breathe over and over several times and bend over to stand up
to find themselves a bit dizzy, a hyperventilation of sorts
I am not sure who suggested this, but it was harmless
then the girls asked what games I had
they asked me if I had a oiuja board
I had no idea what that was, so of course the answer was no
so then they suggested that we do a seance
I was innocent not even thinking anything evil of it, not even knowing what that was, not realizing what was to come
We sat in a circle of 5 holding hands
at the end of the hall with the doors closed with barely any light refracting from under the doors
In the middle we put a circular ashtray, a piece of paper and a pen
it was decided we would try to call the deceased grandfather of one of the girls to write on the paper if he was present
the next thing I know, one girl starts shrieking and grabbing at her neck and yelling ow repeatedly
We stop and ask what is wrong and she says she feels like something is hitting her on her neck, like rocks being thrown at her
we turn on the lights and see she has whelps and red marks on her neck
then we realize another girl was still sitting still with eyes closed, as she was falling back we take notice
we tried to get her to come to, as she appeared to be unconscious
we could not get her to snap out of it
One of the girls ran to get a nurse who lived in the complex
who came and used smelling salts to try to revive the girl to no avail
the paramedics were called and into my room they laid her on my bed
I and the other girls waited outside the room
I opened the door to peek in and it got closed on me, but then the nurse came out
and we asked what was going on, and she said they had put an oxygen mask on her
and as she was coming to she started saying that the grandfather had gotten inside of her
and told her he wanted her to die so he could take over her body
Needless to say she recovered, and her adoptive parents never let her play with us again
When I told this story
I was told we may have accidentally entered a circle of five
I had no idea what that was, nor do I in totality to this day
other than to resolve it to some sort of way of those who practice the dark arts
nothing I ever wanted to be involved with at all
I knew then at the age of 11 some things are strange in this world
and never would I ever agree to do any sort of thing like that again
I still cannot help but think because we had been playing around earlier hyperventilating
that may have caused the issue with this girl
however the whelps on the girl’s neck who also happened to be the girl whose grandfather we were trying to make contact with, cannot be rationally explained away
Now back to the story, of who I am telling this to,
over time he chides me to learn, and obey
yet nothing will I take at face value
always searching my truth, my foundation in Christianity
He would tell me stories of how he was close to God
I the skeptic, which by the way he says is always easier to convince
would not be convinced by his words alone
yet on many occasions I found his words and teachings
in spiritual doctrines
hence it would make me question if he really did have some ancient knowledge
For, he could speak in parables from all manner of religious doctrines
He told me he called himself a special name, I shall not utter
Yet he says, a man such as he is in legend, with eyes of fire
that could destroy others if gazed upon in a certain way
I thought what kind of crazy affinity does he have to want to say such things to align himself with?
He spoke of a place where legend had it that one such as he was buried, and no one would be allowed to stay in the graveyard of that place, for they would not come out alive (not the place and individual mentioned later, for this reference is a place not in the states).
He claimed the legend stated if another such as the one buried in the grave, was to sleep in the cemetery, and live it would be an indication that such a one bared the same designation, for rarely would any others be able to do so and survive…
Wow, it was too much for me to take, and I just left that one alone right there for the time being, thinking he was just speaking in fantasies and lore…
He would do this card trick too, I could never explain and it would tend to blow your mind!
So one day after dropping my daughter off in a downtown area at a music shop for her lessons, I decided to venture into a magic shop to inquire about the nature of this card trick, as I knew of course it could be explained some how…it had to be explained, I thought!
The crazy thing however, is all this info about the things he would tell me were causing me to have unanswered questions I wanted answers to, yet on my way to the music store I had no plans to go into the magic store. Before I shall tell you what happened, I reflect back and the trip there was strange as well. I had two of my daughters friends in the back seat of the car. I remember driving down the road approaching a light before the interstate, only to within a second or two, to look in my rear view mirror at the girls to see that I was already past two more lights, over more than a 1/4 of a mile away on the other side of the interstate. It was as though there was a shift in time. Maybe not, perchance I could have been talking and was on autopilot and did not realize I had gone through 3 lights. Yet, I feel strongly something may have shifted in time.
So, I entered into this magic shop somewhat apprehensive, yet there I spoke with Jon, and I told him about the card trick, and he said he once met some gypsies from France who did a similar thing. He went into the back and came back out to the front and proceeded to attempt to repeat the trick, but it was not the same. I felt trembling a bit, knowing that I should not be talking about these matters, yet I asked him if he had ever heard of the name, the name I was told of a designation pertinent to the legendary character of sorts I had been told about. Jon told me, the gypsies too had mentioned this name, and that he had heard of it before. It was as though I was drawing out of him more to tell, as he went on to explain, there was only one other time he heard this name mentioned.
You see, he said he lived in Maine at one time (mind you this conversation was in California at the time), and there he worked with special needs children. One day a boy got placed in his class, and the mother ended up confiding in Jon. She told him her son started having problems, but did not belong in his class. Jon said he agreed the boy did not belong in his class as well. Over time he spoke with the mother and she opened up that she thought something strange was happening. He said she had psychic gifts she had discovered as a young woman but would never use them. She said one day she ended up being courted by a man who called and identified himself with this same character name of legend. He tried to get her involved with a group who she learned ultimately wanted her to be a part of seances, and attempt to use her psychic gifts. She did not want to be a part of this in any way. She refused to go along with their demands of her, and as a result she came to think they were trying to psychically get to her because of her severance of ties with them, but when they failed to get to her, she thought they went after her son psychically as she theorized that was what was leading to his behavior issues .
Jon said she struggled for a time with this until one day an old woman in the church heard of this woman’s story, and pulled her aside, and counseled her, and apparently gave her some remedy for this. After this, the boy was fine. The old woman told her she knew of a legend of a man named Buck (also known as having the same above referenced character designation) who loved feet that had lived at one time and tried to get a woman perceived as having psychic gifts, a white witch of sorts involved with him, and she refused. She suffered psychic attacks from him, and as a result she told him when he died, she would stomp on his grave.
As I listened to his story, I trembled, perchance my perceptions nerve racking me, finding this all so unbelievable; however I found it most interesting for I had not told him about my own discovery of my own possible psychic gifts, nor had I told him about the seance that had happened when I was a preteen. He gave me his card, and told me if I ever needed anything to call him. I never have.
I did search the internet and found the story of the legend about the man named Buck, for on his grave marker of granite a heart and a boot appeared reportedly after his death. It is said the groundskeepers would polish it off, only for it to reappear. It is said the site received so many visitors his body was moved to an undisclosed location. Talk about strangeness, for the man who called himself a man of God, and also by this name, had a foot fetish too. Coincidence, over a love of feet, and a heart by a boot….who knows?
Of course this self proclaimed master told me to not speak of this matter. Certainly, that was sound advice, for who would believe such tales, for it would make me out to be about as off my rocker as he seemed to be at times. However, he did not want it spoken of, because he said it could harm people if they tried to find the location of this graveyard (not the one in Maine) the other one he told me about referenced next. He said the locals knew all too well when investigators would go there, they knew there would be a fire that night. It is said those who attempted to sleep there, would spontaneously combust. Now, if that is not crazy enough, I had to research that matter, but not too much. I have not found the location, yet I have found case histories of humans spontaneously com-busting. This world apparently has some very strange events, few ever really hear about, let alone would believe.
I shall add, I thought a friend of a friend who had traveled for 12 years as a monk all over the world visiting sacred sites may have been able to help me understand “this name”, so I sent him an email. Before he could read it he fell in a rock climbing accident, and I never received a reply. In addition most recently, I was researching translating one language to another, when on a page in their links I took to exploring a page that had some information about a place that is guarded and no one is allowed in at night. Before I could continue to read, all my pages crashed. I decided to get involved with other matters, but later could not find the page again, as my settings are set to clear my history of sites visited. I have left it alone for now, figuring perchance that is best.
Now, without going into too much more of this matter, I have had dreams come true. I have at times met people and could tell them about themselves. These matters are not necessarily a gift, for it seems to be a blessing and a curse. Thus, it is not something I really like to acknowledge, however my children know, if I call them and tell them I had a dream about them getting into situations. They now know to take me seriously, for situations forewarned about in the past have happened on more than one occasion. I tend to believe if I can tell someone about the dream before something happens, I can somehow potentially influence it from happening, especially concerning if it is something bad.
Put on top of all this, this man on rare occasion would mention if I could just honor my vows to him, and listen, and learn and be obedient, I would have the opportunity to be within a circle of influence. A counsel of seven mentioned. Nothing more did I want to know about involvement with that, nor did I even want to be enticed in anyway to be manipulated by such nonsense. Yet questions linger, about what significance any of this has, especially given the experiences told to me by Jon in the magic shop about this woman he once knew. It made me question matters, as well as have a concern if I was not being manipulated to be pulled into situations I had no interest in for they sounded too obscure for me to entertain. I will admit, there were times he would be able to tell me things that happened in my day to day life as almost as if he could remotely view my activities.
You see, we lived on separate coasts, and our dealings were mostly in phone conversations that lasted at times for more than 12 hours a day. We did meet on occasion, but it was more a relationship, I endured at a distance due to my vows to walk the path of love, after being baptized and ordained, even though I struggled for quite some time to make sense of my choices involved with acknowledging that. (At the time, I felt a long distance relationship was best due to other matters as well.) Hebrews chapter 5, I read once, and thought maybe some are called by God and not by men, and perchance that could explain it, but who am I to think such things could ever be happening to me? After all he was telling me to rid myself of ego, and how could I then even begin to accept such spiritual matters happening to me, as would that not be a function of my ego to accept such notions? I could not honor the vow of marriage, in spite I acknowledged it did happen, not in a church of men, but between me, a minister and a Master. Was this a divine calling, I had to deeply ask myself, for if it was, would I err to dismiss it? Yet too, was this a trap to avoid becoming ensnared in as well? I became extremely cautious to not accept non truths, and as such this has led me to seeking truth time and time again.
Could there be avatars? Are there really men who believe they are a select chosen few who would work in churches and hospitals to then take their works outside of those havens into other places to help those in need? Are there men deluded in these pursuits or do such men exist who work in honest dealings and are there mysteries few understand? Are they holy men, or evil men, led astray? I could not make sense of it all, for the answers are unknown to me, other than from false prophets, I would turn away from. Thus, I fought tooth and nail anything that did not agree with scripture references I could find to back up things conveyed to me. Yet, many things did seem to hold weight as universal truths, ironically. Yet, too one could say the great deceiver of the fallen, knows how to manipulate truths to deceive the innocent. It is sort of like a caution I am reminded of to beware of wolves who come in sheep’s clothing. Yet, too I did not want to bear false witness, for if he really was a holy man, how would that bode for me questioning him tooth and nail and thinking he could potentially be full of himself? I had to resolve it to, if I was in earnest seeking the truth, not just blindly accepting matters, all would ultimately be well with my soul, no matter my struggles through this process.
Years, went on after walking away from those conversations, and I met an Indian, a Cherokee Indian. I found him engaging and together we decided to hang out on the beach. As a teen I would sleep out under the stars with one of my friends on a few occasions to awaken in the Sun, and had longed to do that again. He said, he would do that with me, and protect me. I trusted him. He was noble as he honored his word, even putting his shirt over me, as the cool breeze came in across the shore shortly before sunrise. We walked around, and ended up on the dunes, and as I sit, he proceeded to draw a circle in the sand. My thoughts went agape, as little did he know on my walks alone on the beach, I would draw out a circle, and pray, and mark it with a cross I would make from sea reeds and blades of salt grasses to be left in the middle of the circle. I felt the cross if seen by others would be a reminder to them to heed the way of the cross. My prayers were simple, and no ill thought involved. I always left an opening, for I had taken a class in Native American Indian arts, and would remember how the Navajo rugs would be left with an escape line as I was taught, yet when I researched it they call it a spirit line. It was a place the spirit could escape. So when my new friend drew this circle, I knew perchance there was a reason we had met. I do have Creek Indian ancestry, and passed this off as nothing more than an honoring of spirit according to Native American Indian ways.
What is the point of all of this? What do numbers mean? There are hidden acrostics that is for sure in doctrines. Numbers do have significance. I give account of observations and experience, yet earnestly not taking it in too much except at momentary times I would find myself curious on these matters, as I definitely would wonder about the meanings behind it all….and what was I to make of these events I stand to have witnessed? It has made me think recently due to writing an epiphany concerning the numbers in these events popped into my head and made me think…circle of 3, 5, 7, & 9’s…what are these signs? Is there any relation, or are these matters just random, and nothing more than that?
Circle of 3, 5, 7, & 9’s
I wanted a trinity
you and me in blessed divinity
Long ago there was
the youth of five
that made me see
there are things to flee
then energies coming after me
I ran away and severed those ties
only to be courted by a counsel of 7
if not by truth, by lies
and then one day
a native draws a prayer circle
of nine feet
and there I sat
mesmerized
realizing life is not always what it seems
beware there are forces at play
or more than that
the imaginations
of fools who try to captivate
and lead the innocent astray
Be gone from me
Be gone from me
Be gone from me
thrice
for the only thing for me
is a love divine
in trinity I seek
under the shade
of his wing
even if alone
I must stand
that is where I am
and should I make a misstep
in he will swoop
to keep me from
the sweeping of the
principalities
who would
wish nothing more
than to grab me by my heal.
Yet mindful I am
the legend of lore
upon research
the name
a footpath to a holy well
yet long ago during
the Saxon times
the King dredged out its place
perchance to hide its name
yet nearby the chalice
may be
the way
12/31/2017
A much shorter narrative of just the poetic parts (Circumlocutions of Numbers at Play)
Note: You see if men entertain evil it is said the evil forces leave them alone for those souls are already lost, yet those who are not evil are the ones the evil forces come after, and those are the forces to be aware of, to not get ensnared with. Can you not see for me, I reduce it down to simply just doing the best I can to walk a path that is righteous. And what perchance does that mean, to just discern the right acts. For I do believe most certainly, actions have consequences.
Also worthy of mention that the grave of the man in Maine mentioned, the legend told publicly is different and as such the public story has been debunked. Yet legacies of families may have it in their best interest to hide all the details, or maybe they are not aware of the knowledge the old woman in the church had, for that knowledge may have been passed down to her through her ancestors. Yet who knows? It is all a story of fantasy to me, where the minds of men will try to fill in the gaps in their comprehension by creating such tales…yet is therein a moral to be found?
So many cling to fears in the night of their illusions
They cover themselves in it like a blanket
Too asleep to not want to awaken to the colors within
This is more than just about one’s image
This is more about uncovering the needs of the light
To walk upright within it
For in this journey
often it is the ones who travel it
there are energies more important to consider
for they affect us all
not just one life
many lives…
thus to find truth
often one must not fear it
one must not be lazy
in looking for it…
too many look for it
or come to see it
here and there
and find elements thereof
only to forgo the actions
needed to change themselves for the better
too many in a moment abandon going further
and in the process flee the true needs of their soul
stumbling back into vanities
to hide behind
the pride that will not fall…
to face the truth is to love one self
the facet of God within to bring forth
as a part to the whole
to know that in such wisdom
is the act to be an example
to be love in action
You cannot do that from behind a mask
a light cannot stay covered
for the truth will not stay hidden behind a veil forever
It is precisely the pride that goes before the fall
that must be delivered
for when one falls into that awareness
they begin to discover who they are
and in that they can take responsibility
to become who they were meant to purpose
for this life has it
a gift given to return to a state unblemished
so faith, discernment, love, and wisdom in action
will cause quite a stir in those whom lack it
and even those closest to us
will want to bid us to keep our masks on
too afraid we’ll see beyond their facade
they just want to keep us in the charade
when in reality the face of truth
is most beautiful…it can be messy….its double edge
yet when the healing is complete
there is none that can pull one under
for no longer asleep we will all be
Dare not be as a piece of wood stiff and hard
floating wherever the currents may take you
chart your course for it is all love
to navigate these waters of life
we all travail through
yet in the end
more importantly it is a light to shine
to give thanks to see
for when the pride falls
the ego falls with it
and the true self in us all
shines forth our soul to claim
in this truth there is no shame
for it is an illusion to fight through
only a phase to go through to wear it well and feel the depths
of the very own hell we create
to discover and uncover it is a choice
we make, and as such
we can distant ourselves from those acts
to become free to walk in truth
and there is liberation in that to recover
not only for myself
but more importantly for those so badly in need of discovering
the purpose of this life…
if one lives in lies
and hides behind not finding the truth of themselves
that is far more devastating in the end
immortal and eternal
to be uncovered
in a coat of many colors…
shining bright
there is a way
by truth
12/31/2017
Note:
Some may think and some may say I should not write this story. I think it is my life, it is my decision! I understand others could be affected, but if the truth affects them, maybe they’ll learn to walk in it.
Naturally the question arises for me to ponder….
It is said there is no fear in love, but is there fear in truth? I tend to believe if you walk in truth there is nothing to fear, just as I wrapped my mind around there is no fear in love, for where there is love fear cannot be, as they cannot coexist! It is more about learning to have faith in the outcome. Hence if you walk in love, for me the path of love, there is nothing to fear.
Yet to shudder the quaking of my bones I landed on the knowledge that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It is about learning to use discernment wisely! Simplicity in me resolves it to walking the example, the way, the Christos.
Whew! I have been putting in hours to get these writings posted in the past several days. I started back at the end of June getting them typed up, digging through writings stored in various places. In that process, I started writing about day to day events since June as well. I still have several thick files to go through in the days ahead to sift through. I will add anything I feel worth sharing, and at some point I’ll start to catalogue and perchance add tags. This is a learning process for me. I was so eager to get this page created due to having a little time off from work, I chose this template and just started flying through adding things.
Patience is truly a virtue…as I have wanted to start this process for years, thus here it begins…
It is natural we all want it at some point in our lives unless we decide to forego those impulses and live a life of chastity, but let’s face it, most of us are not going to do that for any length of time thus we are all at risk for acquiring an STD, and of course one of the most dreaded of those is HIV. Many are not testing, and this disease is still spreading, so I think a bit of a discourse is needed, to eradicate the stigma surrounding discussing this disease and discussing the need for intimate partners to test and know their HIV status. These issues need to be addressed in an open communicative and caring way.
I’ll never forget when AIDS hit the news around the beginning of the 80’s, many of my friends in the party scene used to go to a gay bar to watch the drag shows, not to mention they had an awesome sound system and dance floor. It was no big deal for heterosexuals and homosexuals to intermingle socially as well as sexually for some, but when this dreaded disease came about this club started serving drinks in plastic disposable cups. Everyone was confused about how this was spreading, and it really created a rift of fear that spread through out our society. I remember thinking why is my drink being served to me in a plastic cup, only to be told the bar had decided that was the best protocol at the time to take.
Initially HIV/AIDS got labeled as a gay disease, but we soon learned over the years it was a blood borne disease, that could be transferred by not only sex, but by blood transfusions, sharing of needles, and a few other ways. I’ll never forget Ryan White and how this young hemophiliac contracted HIV from a blood transfusion. Then there was the tennis pro, Arthur Ash who succumbed to AIDS. The stories we heard in the news were scary to hear how one could waste away, and contract many ailments a normal immune system could keep at bay.
For me it was a bit scarier because around this time, I moved to near the San Francisco Bay area where there were many gay individuals who were dying from this disease. I had a young child who had a skin condition that caused her to have open sores from rashes she was plagued with frequently. I was a bit freaked out, telling my 3 year to be sure to not touch any blood products in bathrooms, and to cover the toilet seat with sanitary paper. It was tough too, because the child’s skin would rash up so inflamed at times, people would look at her as though she may have some deadly disease. The looks she received at times were horrible, I could only imagine how terribel those with visible signs of AIDS must have felt. Many individuals were getting the purplish spots on their skin, called Karposi’s Sarcoma, so it made it hard for these individuals to cover these signs.
Well, in 1999 I divorced and entered the dating scene, but those earlier years still had made such an impression in my mind. For crying out loud, why oh why I would think, how could this be…a disease that can kill us from having sex of all things, what kind of trick is this the universe is playing on all of us? Of course religious fanatics were saying it was a curse for promiscuity. But give me a break, we all pretty much have a drive to procreate, and HIV does not discriminate. It is clearly not a gay disease! I used to wonder, if nature was culling the population, and if this was some sort of ancient disease that cycles, and if it was some sort of intrinsic design of a natural population control of sorts playing out. Then of course there were the conspiracy theories that it may have been accidentally introduced into humans from animal products used in diets or medicines. Who knows where it actually originated. I once read that there were accounts over 500 years ago of people dying from things that were recorded that sounded similar. At this day and time all we know is what we know, and of course the blood supply is now safer, so that leaves it up to all of us to help stop this disease. No matter whether we are in a long term monogamous relationship or we are single and dating, it is so necessary that we educate individuals to practice safe sex. Now of course condoms can reduce risk, however it is so much better to know your status, so society needs to remove the stigma over discussing and urging people to test by encouraging them to know their status.
For me after divorce, if I dated and found myself in a situation where sex would be involved, I made a decision to always discuss testing, and proceed to offer to test myself as I required my potential partner to test. These conversations at times were very awkward. I remember one time a guy I was dating, when I brought this up, he asked me if I was a prostitute.He would not talk to me for about a month. He acted like something was wrong with me. Certainly ignorance on these matters is not bliss, especially for those who find out they have acquired this life altering disease. Never did I want to have to face that, so I have always asked for testing.
I am compelled to share my take on this, because within the past year, I dated someone who refused to take the test. It made me feel horrible that they would not even care to make me feel safe in their arms. He said he always had routine blood testing. Yet, the truth is unless you have a STD panel done and explicitly ask for an HIV test, it is not part of routine blood testing, to my knowledge. The thing is there is a simple 20 minute home test that can be taken, and is highly accurate if it is taken at least 3 months after sexual exposure. You simply take a little paddle like swab and wipe it across your gums, which remove oral fluid where some cells are obtained, to test for HIV antibodies. You see, over 90% of individuals who have been exposed will be producing antibodies after 3 months. Now if someone has had unprotected sex and it has been less than 3 months, testing may be a good indicator of their status, however not as certain, so in cases like that it would be best to either abstain or use condoms, and test again later.
I was upset at his stubbornness and refusal to test. The percent chance he had HIV was small, however, if you don’t test, you simply do not know your status if you have had unprotected sex. I could not believe him telling me he felt me asking him to test was an invasion of his privacy. I thought to myself, you want to enter my body, inside me in such a most intimate and private way and you will not test over privacy concerns. I guess he was scared, as I tend to think he has had a few unprotected encounters. You see, some people are just in denial about the true risk. He said, he was offended as he felt like I must think he was a dirty person. For crying out loud, HIV does not care if you are dirty or clean, rich or poor, a good person, or a bad person, it is a disease. I started to think this person was just unwilling to understand the true risks out there and was acting ignorant over this matter. However, he is not a dumb person, but I also realized he was not someone I would entertain ever being intimate again with because he just failed to think through this matter logically. Now, if he ever came to his senses perchance I would reevaluate dating him again, but not until that day happens, and I will not hold my breath for it to happen. I just hope one day he gets over the stigma around testing. I realize people just don’t think they need to test for whatever reason.
A few of my past lovers, have told me that I am a bit of a freak over this. Well, I would rather be a freak about this matter to test before sex, as I would never ever want to contract HIV, and look back to know that I could have asked my suitor to take a home test for about $45 and it not take more than 20 minutes to obtain results. Could you imagine the heartache? I can, and that is why I demand testing be done before sex.
Anyone that comes into my life and does not want to face this matter head on and test simply does not deserve to be with me at all. For, if a man cannot protect himself, and be willing to, he could never protect me. Fundamentally for me, I am a woman, and at a heart level I want my man to care for me and be a protector of not only my honor but of my life.
For when I enter an intimate relationship, I am exploring relations with love planted in my eyes, and I will be damned if I ever let anyone potentially plant tombstones in my heart.
Fortunately, we have medicines to help individuals, who have contracted this disease, however they do impact your health and the way your body makes proteins, and can age you rather rapidly. The side effects are not worth it, when all you have to do is discuss this matter, and do it openly, and remove the stigma of this discourse.
Even as I write this, in closing, I cannot help but some may think wow, does she have HIV? No, I do not, because I have cared about not only my health, but the health of others and have demanded we both test before sex. Be safe, and not sorry, your life is not worth a round of unprotected sex, not when it could become a cloud over your life. If you have HIV, my heart goes out to you. I hope cures and better medicines will be on the horizon, and I truly hope you can endure and afford the medicines you need to keep your viral loads low, and that you will have a long and productive life with much love and compassion filling your days.
Much Love to All….if we are sexually active we can stop this disease if we all stand up and ask our lovers, and partners to test. It truly is in all of our hands to confront these issues facing us all, for the love of life, and love of each other just to be able to enjoy the simple pleasures of being a human with sexual drives. It needs to be okay to talk about sex, before sex, and it needs to be okay to demand a test, and to refuse to have sex with those who will not test.
I’ll admit for me it is a bit sad there are STD’s interfering with the free and open expression of sexuality these days. For me, I am not into casual affairs of the heart, yet I have been free with myself to experience relationships with sex involved full measure even if relationships did not last for one reason or another. I am not a prude, yet the days of open experimentation and unbridled passions being left open to guide me are long past. I am resilient and always hopeful of finding a loving and soulful connection, thus I am always open to sexual exploration with one partner, and for me an HIV test is a necessity in this day and age. All sexually transmitted diseases can either be treated or managed, but HIV is a slow death, and unfortunately will drastically limit who you can be sexually active with. I think it is just plain common sense to require a test, and require during the time of sharing intimacies your partner agree to sexual monogamy if sex is unprotected, whether the commitment to monogamy lasts a day, a week, a month or longer. The bottom line is no one should be having sex with anyone unprotected and who will not protect their own life and give you the reassurance they care about your life. If you are not testing, the risks you are taking are not worth the risk of not knowing, or worse finding out you have HIV and should have taken a small amount of time to discuss this matter and test.
Without a test, you are playing Russian roulette with your health, and with the health of others.
This is not at all about making judgments on others for their sexual preferences, it is about helping to educate and encourage individuals to protect their lives, especially when STD’s are still on the rise in some communities, as well as some individuals whom knowingly have HIV go on to have unprotected sex without telling their partners of their HIV status and end up infecting their partners. For in my community just recently a man was arrested for having infected several of his sexual partners. To test for HIV before sex, should be a simple requirement we should all be brave enough to ask for and talk about.
Please speak up and be an advocate for testing!
Be conscious, and help others to wake up on doing their part to help stop AIDS.
We can certainly do this, if we are as liberated as we all think we are!
For, some sex is a sacred procreative act that brings forth life, and for some it is an act of pleasure that has the potential to bring them death especially if they are careless with their health.
I figured, given I write about love in my life, in spite of me having a spiritual element to my desires, I thought it might be wise to just talk about sex and the need for safe sex, for what it’s worth. If one person reads this and they start protecting themselves, then it will have been worth sharing a few of my experiences, and thoughts on this issue to hopefully make valid points in hopes to remove the stigma over discussing testing for HIV and STD’s prior to sex.
May we all have the fulfillment of a sexually rewarding life.
Peace & Love
November 28, 2017
Note: Decided to write a PSA of sorts given AIDS International Day was on the first of December…not too long ago, but this is something everyone should take seriously every day of the year!
will be granted the key to the wisdom of you and me
when into my heart you will finally see.
Written between 1996-2003
Note: I tend to think at a quantum level the cord is not cut…it was more like being told I was going to have my feet held to the fire…in the beginning…and no matter how much I danced off the coals of that fire, I found myself undergoing a trial by fire of sorts…no matter what…and I tend to think that even a teacher has the capacity to see things at times from a different point of view.
does this mean you are excluded from the human race
as you think you are not from here
the difference may be you aim to come from the heart often
and many do not
yet in this realization truth reveals more than cynical
points of view and in this pointed truth
it does not exclude you, nor me from
the traps we all must overcome
for the thread of life
runs through us all
there is a connection in that
all feel an isolation in their core
the separation from God
it is that very nature to our being
that brings us to be connected
to make a choice to find the truth
and when we recognize the evil in others
we start to see it in ourselves as well
to take accountability to eradicate it
the longing…to be One
the longing to Love
the longing to Breathe
the longing to truly belong
where righteousness dwells
that place safe, in the secure knowing
that one is in universal accord
that is defined by each and their very own relation with the divine, and their own path in the making of their destiny
some will stay severed
others will not…
it is up to each of us to stay conscious
and to operate from the heart
yet to think we always do
would do more to thwart our progress
as to think such would be a statement of being truly blind
by glimpses of our progress…
the truth is we did know better
and we consciously
decided to let the unconscious desires have their way…..
Sometimes that is necessary
for whatever the reasons are…
as long as we come to our senses…
1/15/2003
Note: After a reprieve from deep conversations, I found myself fleeing the fields I played within where I saw things in nature to take note of; to come back and sit at the foot of spiritual contemplation to seek answers, as I felt I needed to stop and take precautions to reevaluate my purpose and the meanings of events unfolding in my life. I decided 13 days before writing this to take a year vow of celibacy.
you see I have learned if a man puts another before me
he is not the man for me
he consorts with phantoms
and his imagination takes him to flight
to flee from my graces
yet back they turn
when too late it is
for they should have seen
the signs of the heart
too often looking for signs
in the trophies they covet
never seeing the heart within the soul
is never enclosed in gold
for it is the treasure hidden within
for only the eyes of the one to see…
all others see it when it is too late….
chances left to fate..
to be sought
from the pure of heart
always mark their spot…
do not cast your lots before me
for pieces of my soul
are not yours to take
yet my heart I give freely
to the one of divine mind
2003-2004 (Written upon reflecting back on lessons learned.)
See it is about walking the path of love yet also seeking to be loved, and this is about a man who dated me briefly who outright told me he thought he may want to date another several weeks after we had been dating. I gave him my blessing to go and do as he pleased, for I choose to be possessed of no one in the affairs of the heart, if they are not capable of possessing me in their heart. Not too long after he realized she was not the one for him, and asked me to date him again. At the time, I had already resolved that he was not the one for me, yet I took a chance on revisiting the relationship, without too serious notions in my heart, just to see where it would lead us…perchance a lapse of principal to refuse his return…and possibly a nonchalance at play…given I did not feel like dating again…so I figured what the heck, we would see where it could go…but I was not too vested in the outcome due to his indifference in the beginning…as I parted him from my heart.
When a child playing in his yard noticed a lizard dying, it made me question if there were signs being cast before me to contemplate…and not too long after a book on a shelf miraculously appeared before me, and gave me the answer I needed to see…then during the Holiday the TV played the Gospel of Thomas, and I set my research into those texts to land upon reading the exegesis of the soul, and I was utterly convicted to stop and take pause of my choices.
I kept contemplating this path of love to walk and what did it mean…for often I felt if someone crossed my path, I would give them the time of day…to see what was hidden there to exchange…and being a woman, some would get enamored (as would I), and I seeking love, would oblige to date to see if a soulful connection could be made…it was not that I was spreading my legs to everything that came my way, yet I had to ask myself if that was what I had done, by going back and giving him a second chance…for I knew in my heart when he told me he wanted to date her, that I was not the one he chose, and for that I should have closed the door to my heart as well as closed my legs, for casual affairs were never what I truly wanted, and I had allowed myself to get ensnared into those realms…I had to take full accountability.
I’ve truly come to believe that a divine mind in the heart of man will shield him from not only his own demons, but from my own…from playing he and I a fool for love, and most importantly for me to not give everything for love as I wish not to be roundly mocked or find my choices to be utterly contemned. (Song of Solomon Ch 8) (1Timothy 2:14)
The irony in reading about casting of lots, is they parted his raiment and cast lots to see who would get pieces of it….I wonder if forces do this too…when drawn to divinity a piece they will want to garner…yet in the end do they not utterly contemned themselves…if their hearts be not truly seeking the shelter of the divine to be clothed within.
Chances we are all given, for if it were not that way, perchance the path to salvation would never be attainable…so it is not that we should not forgive, we need to be mindful who we give second chances to…and if we care to take a chance on recovering that which is true, we must seek absolution from that, that led us astray, and take on discovering the path to salvation for our chances to have merit in their aims….and too to be mindful of the divine principles on matters of love. For it is not an action to be trespassed as a doctrine to love what thy will, for there are conditions, and without them love is blind and there are no blessings of the divine.
And even though I am mercy driven, I tend to understand, or struggle to understand these things when they happen, yet I also need to be wise, that I am not beguiled (expatao).
12/18/17 reflection of times now and back in 2003-2004
The Mind is a Garden Thirsty for Knowledge 