For what he did, I had to leave, find peace, and return to love, to me, to God, otherwise I would have killed him for his deeds, or had him locked away, but what good would that have brought to his legacy, for the truth is his own travesties he will face, and each day he walks away scot free, is a day he knows the truth will find him in the end. Patience is a virtue, and so is forgiveness, yet the pain is always near. How many breaths shall I take, to release it all back out into space, probably each one I take until I breathe no more, or until I somehow learn to not have a need for vindication, which too is a beast of sorts. The irony is that today is his birthday too, and oh how I wish I could be free of this need. This is a story to be told bursting at its seams, never at present to be uttered to protect the innocent.
Snippets here and there, documented, one day to be revealed…but more importantly if there is an Akashic Record, it should be his choice before he takes his last breath, need I say more.
Going through writings I found the following written down thoughts. I worked for 6 months at an establishment, only to find one day upon going to work an extended family member was hired. I did not know her that well. She seemed to always cast her eye at me, in what would be called an evil eye sort of way. She seemed somewhat insecure, and she sought out to please her superiors in duplicitous ways, even over time subtly casting character machinations my way. The job was contractual, and at the end of the contract, mine was not renewed. It was a gift I realized later. I share this limited background information, so the meaning of what is written may be better understood, for within the written out thought process there are gems worth revealing thus I shall. (not that anyone reads my shit, or takes it to heart, nonetheless maybe one day, someone will)
Convict Her
When wronged, I try to give it to God and not have vengeful thoughts, yet they pop in my head. I immediately analyze what is going on as I don’t want to allow the negativity of others to seed itself in me. Thus…scripture directives come to mind to “pray for thine enemies” which I have the tendency to do once I internalized that scripture. Yet, it was only the first part initially my mind grasped, it wasn’t until later when advising someone to pray for their enemies when I continued to speak the scripture, “it will heap coals of fire on their head” at the moment of this utterance, I realized the effect of the prayer was never for gain, so I began to question the motives of such prayer. I’m careful to pray for my enemies but now with pre-cognition of it heaping coals of fire upon their head, I become perplexed. Thus, today my prayer is, Lord, please convict her of her wrong doing. My thoughts went on to think let others see on her face her shame of the truth of what she has done. Then compassion kicks in and how dare I wish for others to see the sinful deeds of another as the thought descends that when I wish for her conviction, BY DEFAULT, my own conviction will come into play. The thought appears, perchance the voices echoed when Christ was on the cross…”Convict him”. He was innocent, yet took upon himself all of our convictions. Certainly, if I’m to escape the consequences of my deeds, I must accept his acceptance of my convictions as well as hers and find grace and praise amidst this turmoil to find peace. I must be thankful and embrace this experience, for I seek to be strong in my conviction to be; a disciple, gain favor of the Lord, and walk upright before God, to be conscientious in seeking and striving to implement what the Lord would will for me to do.
For just this Father’s Day (2012) as I was speaking to “Desperado (changed name)”, my eyes peered beyond his, some under currents of my dilemma were present of me not having a job, yet the thought in an instant penetrated my gaze in a spiritual sense…God is in my eye, I smiled and thought in my heart. God is in my eye magnified before me, and in awe I quickened and pondered what would God see if he were to look me in my eye…what would God see if he were to look us in our eyes, what would he see in you, in me, and how would we be if we knew God could look us in the eye. Would you look away? Could you look God in the eye and have a pure heart, one that seeks atonement and repentance and can feel absolution, yet a sense of comfort in one’s humility as salvation is at hand. Completely shuddering in my core to ponder and imagine the significance of God is in my Eye!
What does this mean, it is as though this thought was planted before me. A moment perchance an epiphany. Does this mean God is looking at me. A friend use to say, “I’m looking at you, I’m really looking at you.” What if at certain points in our lives God does turn his gaze upon us, what would he see?
My trial to be let go of a job where a family member in my heart, I believed contributed to my disgrace. I’m now facing challenges to remember Job and keep my countenance before the Lord. This I pray to keep evil at bay that I may keep my eyes focused on God when all manner of deceptive thoughts of my hurt make me think most wretched thoughts, where I want to think she is such an evil bitch, yet I truly want her to see the errors of her ways, so when I think I want to pray for her to be convicted, and for God to please shudder her bones to quake when she realizes the evil she has done, so she won’t err in that way again and shall learn to have compassion on the weak and those weaker than herself, she will come from a place of wisdom and not from a place of misguided judgement puffed up from her needs to be accepted that stems from her own inadequacies to feel as though she belongs.
May she belong to God is my prayer that I shall pray. See for me to pray for the conviction will mean I must be strong enough to bare the convictions of my errors, hence I must be humble enough to own my mistakes and take corrective actions in the sight of my Lord…our Father.
Happy Father’s Day, for this Gift he Gave to me on his Day!
Today July 15, 2017 I share the above, and the simplicity jumps off the page. When they say give it to God, simply pray for others to belong to God. Then you truly are giving it to God.
To me that is a prayer that is more settling to my mind to pray, in stead of praying for your enemies to heap coals of fire upon their head.
Furthermore, God is not a micro manager of our affairs, the order of things is set in motion, yet how different we would be, if we acted as though into our eye he could see.
A cathartic process had ensued after a question was asked, a psychologist whom utilized the work of Virginia Satir, along with Mexican shamanistic influences working in health management, and at the time traveling with and working for for R. Zombie crossed my path one day, he “may have” tried to chord me according to a friend of mine who did energy healing work. More human than human, interesting enough paved the way for me to discover a journey where all matter of energies play out in this world. In Boulder, I observed these influences, and walked away, never to be lulled for long, within me a countenance holding on. A magnifying glass held up to the light, to unleash the pain, it burns and carves no more. Somatic internalization questions were answered.
Must also note an instructor, F. Benson had captured pictures of Aztec and Mayan pottery down in the vaults of a museum in Mexico when it was decided he could not take pictures by the curator, however some shots had been taken. Their pottery portrays stories of the above world and the under world. The priests would mutilate their eyes, or ears, or lips, but more interesting than this widely known fact, they would use herbs and use them as hallucinatory substances by ingestion via enemas (not a pretty image, but a truth). The pottery revealed in his classes, showed us these images where it represented these acts by priests to journey from the above world into the underworld. I used that imagery in this piece to signify man’s quest for power over others, is a dirty deed.
Just with any belief system, there are good and not so good ploys and forces. I had never heard of curanderismo at the time our paths crossed, for it is a study of healing but can also be used for not so good aims as well. Once, I learned of these possible influences, I refused to be near or associated with anything, or belief practices that could be used in ways that were not for healing purposes; not saying it was being used that way, but I had a concern developing it may have been, and that was the impetus that moved me to write the above, as merely a fantasy piece throwing in references of the Haitian influences on the practices in New Orleans I was already familiar with through prior educational analysis of their methods.
The reference to eat your peas boys, referred to this individual and his mentor in the healing practices of Curanderismo. A thought that came to mind, as I left abruptly to board a flight back home, and ventured to walk out on a branch to see where my life would lead me given I had the one answer I truly sought.
Snapshots in time can be observations and experiences we seek to understand, it does not mean we identify with them or let them define us, nor should we ever let anyone define us by our own experience or observations when we share them!!! They are our own to define, and the played out ignorance of the judgments made in error by others is horrifically blind.
An educated narcissist who pulled off being kind, when called out on their lies, hurled insults from their midget minded projections that had nothing at all to do with the truth but shed a light on how self-absorbed their judgmental reflections were full of errors. Their tactics of deflection to cover their sordid deeds sought to turn the light off their own monstrosities.
The political landscape these days has become nothing but a circus. I sit back and observe how an individual can post all manner of flowery pseudo ideological posts about being kind, when the truth is they are far from being kind when they hurl the names they call so far off the mark, it is confounding. Yet, when I look back and reflect it was nothing more than an education in observing narcissism play its hand.
I suppose in the end it was a projection of an ideal self that went to war with their own real self, and all the projections of their true self got dumped at the feet of one strong enough to shove that crap right back in their face.
Take your xenophobia, homophobia, and redneck pointing fingers, and look at yourself and all you do, and tell me you are not living proof a grown educated person, lacks love and intelligence in their everyday actions. The one who lives in filth, and promiscuity, philandering and wielding names and accusations of mistrust all the while supporting others to be in relations with others who are dying to use them for financial gain, as they sit and lie in wait and do not stand on their own two feet “more than likely” waiting for financial gain too upon the death of another, oh such is the irony of an idle mind.
The snow in the desert sand gave me this melted picture to figure out, and sadly the truth of their glass house ego finally blazoned this snapshot in time, the lenses of my perception hit the mark, and that is the biggest fear they seek to hide.
One day, I hope you discover the real you, and stop this charade, and remove the facade of everything you are not. For some they figure it out in one life time, for you I wonder how many life times it will take? Go ask your higher self to show you the truth of you, do not take my perception figure it out yourself. Sift through the carnage of your life for truth. Are you brave enough to see the labels you have clothed yourself in unaware by acting in unconscious ways? Awaken from the slumber of your demise…something we all must face one day, sooner or later, for no one is immune to the truth of their own soul.
It is where everything that is manifest is that which is of life
A life that seeks unity in peace, and seeks to see love in everything…
From the birds in the trees, and the squirrels scrambling among the branches…
A life of purity, one that seeks the divine in everything…
It is where my garden grows; it is where my heart springs forth…
To invite you into my shelter, away from the storms of the world, a place to find respite a place for your soul to grow, a place where I can give you most anything of love and nothing more, but everything…
Can you meet me there, can you come closer to the fire, and set your soul aflame with mine…
I so want an eternal love divine…a place where you are mine and I am yours and no more shall we ever be left in want, for within each other we will find our home, safe, and secure among the trees, for they shall protect both you and me, and within this forest, the light that shines is the light we both drink and absorb to be a ray to those in need, for you and I are every day angels, and first and foremost we shine a light into each other’s heart, and it is the fire that binds us, it is the light that guides us, for together we can move mountains. Meet me there, in the woods, down in the abode of all that is sure, a natural abode where few dare to tread, but the harvest is green and full of spring, the joy of the flowers, and the fragrance of love. It shall be our garden of joy, to give life to another, and weave our hearts as one, as we shine forth, and give thanks to be so blessed to speak of these treasures unknown, but to the few brave enough to unite, as one within the holy night. The night of our beginning, in truth, in silence, in respite.
The Mind is a Garden Thirsty for Knowledge 