Going through writings I found the following written down thoughts. I worked for 6 months at an establishment, only to find one day upon going to work an extended family member was hired. I did not know her that well. She seemed to always cast her eye at me, in what would be called an evil eye sort of way. She seemed somewhat insecure, and she sought out to please her superiors in duplicitous ways, even over time subtly casting character machinations my way. The job was contractual, and at the end of the contract, mine was not renewed. It was a gift I realized later. I share this limited background information, so the meaning of what is written may be better understood, for within the written out thought process there are gems worth revealing thus I shall. (not that anyone reads my shit, or takes it to heart, nonetheless maybe one day, someone will)
When wronged, I try to give it to God and not have vengeful thoughts, yet they pop in my head. I immediately analyze what is going on as I don’t want to allow the negativity of others to seed itself in me. Thus…scripture directives come to mind to “pray for thine enemies” which I have the tendency to do once I internalized that scripture. Yet, it was only the first part initially my mind grasped, it wasn’t until later when advising someone to pray for their enemies when I continued to speak the scripture, “it will heap coals of fire on their head” at the moment of this utterance, I realized the effect of the prayer was never for gain, so I began to question the motives of such prayer. I’m careful to pray for my enemies but now with pre-cognition of it heaping coals of fire upon their head, I become perplexed. Thus, today my prayer is, Lord, please convict her of her wrong doing. My thoughts went on to think let others see on her face her shame of the truth of what she has done. Then compassion kicks in and how dare I wish for others to see the sinful deeds of another as the thought descends that when I wish for her conviction, BY DEFAULT, my own conviction will come into play. The thought appears, perchance the voices echoed when Christ was on the cross…”Convict him”. He was innocent, yet took upon himself all of our convictions. Certainly, if I’m to escape the consequences of my deeds, I must accept his acceptance of my convictions as well as hers and find grace and praise amidst this turmoil to find peace. I must be thankful and embrace this experience, for I seek to be strong in my conviction to be; a disciple, gain favor of the Lord, and walk upright before God, to be conscientious in seeking and striving to implement what the Lord would will for me to do.
For just this Father’s Day (2012) as I was speaking to “Desperado (changed name)”, my eyes peered beyond his, some under currents of my dilemma were present of me not having a job, yet the thought in an instant penetrated my gaze in a spiritual sense…God is in my eye, I smiled and thought in my heart. God is in my eye magnified before me, and in awe I quickened and pondered what would God see if he were to look me in my eye…what would God see if he were to look us in our eyes, what would he see in you, in me, and how would we be if we knew God could look us in the eye. Would you look away? Could you look God in the eye and have a pure heart, one that seeks atonement and repentance and can feel absolution, yet a sense of comfort in one’s humility as salvation is at hand. Completely shuddering in my core to ponder and imagine the significance of God is in my Eye!
What does this mean, it is as though this thought was planted before me. A moment perchance an epiphany. Does this mean God is looking at me. A friend use to say, “I’m looking at you, I’m really looking at you.” What if at certain points in our lives God does turn his gaze upon us, what would he see?
My trial to be let go of a job where a family member in my heart, I believed contributed to my disgrace. I’m now facing challenges to remember Job and keep my countenance before the Lord. This I pray to keep evil at bay that I may keep my eyes focused on God when all manner of deceptive thoughts of my hurt make me think most wretched thoughts, where I want to think she is such an evil bitch, yet I truly want her to see the errors of her ways, so when I think I want to pray for her to be convicted, and for God to please shudder her bones to quake when she realizes the evil she has done, so she won’t err in that way again and shall learn to have compassion on the weak and those weaker than herself, she will come from a place of wisdom and not from a place of misguided judgement puffed up from her needs to be accepted that stems from her own inadequacies to feel as though she belongs.
May she belong to God is my prayer that I shall pray. See for me to pray for the conviction will mean I must be strong enough to bare the convictions of my errors, hence I must be humble enough to own my mistakes and take corrective actions in the sight of my Lord…our Father.
Happy Father’s Day, for this Gift he Gave to me on his Day!
Today July 15, 2017 I share the above, and the simplicity jumps off the page. When they say give it to God, simply pray for others to belong to God. Then you truly are giving it to God.
To me that is a prayer that is more settling to my mind to pray, in stead of praying for your enemies to heap coals of fire upon their head.
Furthermore, God is not a micro manager of our affairs, the order of things is set in motion, yet how different we would be, if we acted as though into our eye he could see.