My letters are merely pencil marks on paper

Only to express thoughts of existing emotions

My mind is so fleeting

My thoughts shan’t be captured

 

I cannot seem to keep the clothes in my drawers

Neatly folded all the time, they are continuously getting messed up

And then refolded only to be mixed again

 

I feel I should give thanks, …

But for what I do not know

 

90’s

It must be spring fever

That has created in me

This lightning bolt of energy

 

The thought of love penetrates

The heat within inebriates

 

It is the scent that lingers forever

It follows me whenever

That embraces my heart with glee

It makes my senses flee

 

This ray of hope sent from above

To light the dance of birds in love

 

March 98

Shiny and wet the city streets

Lights aside buildings line my view

Tires roll and spit the sound of rain fallen down

My son lies, sleeps, and heals

In hospital bed

Here I look and stare

As his eyes sealed shut cannot see

Covered in gauze

We wait

What will he think

What will become

All news sounds good

Will the results follow to be true

People walk by

I walk past each abode

Beautiful entrances embellish a few domiciles

Tonight my home is the city

Through a window still adorned in holiday decorations

I glimpse a Christmas tree and I wonder if someone is still alive in there

Another window is arrayed with fanciful pink lace curtains, how quaint I think

Tonight I smoke my cigarette and wish for nothing more than the face of my son

No material thing, but he that matters

His heart, his delicate pride

His pain he’ll feel the need to hide

I pray he be spared the inner wounds that visible scars can bring

I wish to remain in isolation on that

Not my child, my beautiful funny boy man

His identity blooming

Please Lord, it is so fragile

His eyes today can see

His wounds will heal and start to diminish

Please let there be no aftermath but lessons learned in mind

I feel as though people live in the city

So they won’t feel alone

And I have discovered I don’t want to be alone

Nor do I wish my son to feel this all alone

I am here and I will be there

He will heal

2-21-99 (San Francisco General Hospital)

 

I’m in a tailspin, whirlwind, he leaves, not once, but thrice, he slays the dice, throwing my love to the wind

 

I scream, I flail, and hurdle into a swift retreat after lashing out my words that fly like rains from a storm

 

Shall I run away and hide, and take shelter and feel the despair all alone in this place of isolation he has cast me

 

To the fires of my soul burning so bright to scorch me to know such love to be scorned casts such torment it slices at my veins

 

This pain to be shunned like I am nothing, a whirlwind in a furnace, a heart in flames, disintegrating into space, I take aim

 

Undone I am, I tell myself to hold on to nothing you must, I am nothing, yet something I am, to the wind, to the dust, one day to be born again in a whirlwind free of sin…should this end and I have to begin again

 

2016

If I told you I love you

Would it mess things up

Swirling ecstatic energy in every cell

Screaming to whisper in your ear

Breaking down walls

Defenseless in loves presence

In your eyes I see the unspoken

From my lips I want to profess

The secrets of the heart

Too many to tell

So in the silence

Love wells

If I told you I love you

Would these feelings escape

Is it even necessary to speak

When the hearts are joining as one

Will words defile

The sacred unspoken love that is being born

Coming undone together exposed in vulnerability

Diving, exploring the depths of our seas

Drinking in the devotions given freely as a gift one to the other

Swimming in currents we intermix like paint and transcend into the space we create

Pulled into the water colors of mesmerizing eyes

A portal to bliss ethereal where inside one another we see

June-October 2016

 

Visionary Artist: Andrew Gonzalez

I’m so in love it seems I am not even totally aware of how deep I am

I contemplate this dilemma as it seems I cannot seem to think straight

I am so deeply moved and touched for my soul has been penetrated

Beyond the grasp of what I could ever know

This dawning and realization is unnerving for it brings with it fears

I wish not for fears to surface for at bay they need to stay

Yet drowning in love my ultimate surrender

I gave it completely

Now what, I sit with my heart in the care of (affected by) another

Dare he tread it under without consideration

Or shall he cherish it, like his own

I shall not despair this penetration

For his heart I carry within me… mind body and soul…to nurture

Cannot he not see the gift we have been given

Us to each other through time we find ourselves here

Are we not blind to this feat that has blessed us

Or shall we be fools laying to waste all that is great

We dance upon the fabric of life

The creation of love born from above

That unites and binds hearts as one

Twaining flesh in mysteries divine

For eyes to pierce and penetrate the veil of all existence

Hopeless I am, yet hopeful I shall remain

He shall see this and feel this too for then shall it be true

To love alone is a longing unended

and in love with you my love is unending

but it is the end of me

yet in my surrender the choice to give birth to us is yours

in the palm of your hand I am

always and forever

My Lord I love

August 2016

 

Hearts

Doesn’t anyone see my heart

Don’t I have a good heart

My heart is ripping from my chest

In utter despair that:

 

I have not always been sensitive to the good hearts of others.

In such selfish anguished mind and heart, I become selfless.

 

My heart is breaking

For this pain I have created

The knife I bludgeoned into me

Must have hurt you far worse

 

Only now, it is killing us

 

2-99’

A note today on this:

Interesting, this notion of hearts… My mentor on this spiritual journey spoke of hearts in the past, but recently (I’ve only spoken to him a handful of times the past 10 years) mentioned that I have no heart. I do not think this is to imply I am heartless, yet I would tend to think he would mean, we must remove our evil hearts. I would imagine the hearts of all men are evil according to his spiritual point of view, thus him saying this does not prick at my ego these days, for I see the inherit truth of the human condition. I dare to ponder too, he would never acknowledge that I had a heart, unless of course I surrendered to obedience. Perchance, it is the journey of the spiritual path to remove the heart laden with sins, and rebuild it in the obedience of divine hands.

 

 

Masterpiece

He asked me if I put a spell on him

If to love casts a spell

Then under it we both dance

The eye of the child looks to the future

The intellect of the heart looks back and understands

Where ever you go, in you I am

The flesh goes within

A canvas to a masterpiece

To please, to love, and to thank

Divine magnetism flows

Into a spiritual escape

A sacred place

So powerful yet so fragile

As breath is to dust and bones are to life

The master pieces us together

2016

Artist: Daniel Mirante

Love seeks its own

Love does not walk off

Love between two is united

Love between two is a work in progress where two want progress

Love does not seek union in vices or others

Love is full of patience and compassion

Love does not display callous disregard, it shows respect

Love shows attentiveness

Love shows its ultimate desire to be with the one whom is loved

Love does not put others above the one who is loved…

Love awakens the spirit of the divine

Love creates its own home in the hearts of two…

Love permeates each cell and shines light to quicken the mind in bliss…

Love brings harmony and peace between two hearts…it does not seek its own demise…

Unrequited love is like a knife that cuts deeper than any known valley in the universe reaching to the depths of hell, and leaves the one forgotten lost in the abyss of loneliness, with a fire burning and raging out loves light…

Oh how I wish I could give ultimatums, and they be honored, but the truth is, if the love does not operate according to love’s eternal and immortal requisites on its own, then it is not a love worth fighting for…it is nothing but an illusion snaring innocent fools like me..

(A section of a larger piece 12/17/16)