Forgiven (A Contemplation)

Forgiven A Contemplation

What is it that it takes to be forgiven

Is it a word, is it a voice,

Is it a token or

Is it a treasure

Is it an approval

perchance a nod

signifying acceptance

Or is it rejection of what is bad

And what is bad

Why do we do it

Why do we stop

Why do we repent

Why do we err

What is the need to be right

Is it righteousness

Is it really God in us

Or is it fiction pressed on our minds

Yet the soul knows

There is a line

between the two…Right and Wrong

 

To be forgiven of our wrongs

Is to be forgiven of our rights

for they are motivated by wrongs (not to do them)

yet their need is so overwhelming

we sometimes are pressed to reject them (t00 many in denial of their wrongs)

How can anyone judge what is right and wrong

and what it takes to be forgiven when all of life is a process

Neither right or wrong (outside the duality)

Process is process its direction precedes it

and recedes with it as it passes

So does process need excuse….need forgiveness

What must I do to be forgiven

I am who I am based on my process in development

Things happen, life unfolds

To say when one is young he is not aware

is to suggest when we are old we are aware and the process is not complete

so yet we may hold more knowledge there is no way to forego the process

and the process is blind to your wants and desires (those deeply embedded subconscious motives)

We can be conscious and we are (at times)

but yet many times we are not actively shaping our will

and would living life be meant to be in constant fear of rejecting self

when self is what you are given to experience

Maybe to be enlightened at flesh’s weakness (takes time),

yet the soul resides in the flesh as of yet…(or does it)

This is the reality of what we know

Yet should we fear we are a mistake in process

or are we clay in process of being art

Are we being shaped for something far greater

Should we fear wrongness in our development and let that pervade our every thought and action

and would this not be vanity of a soul trapped in this fleshly world

Love is the key, yet we are told to reject self, yet forgive self

How can we forgive what’s deemed weak and meek

when we have to work so hard to constantly shape our will

we are given esteem in that it will be for ultimate good

and yes patience oft has its reward,

but when it is forced by our mind to attend to

are we really free and true at heart

 

How do we forgive what we hate,

what we despise

What we love, what we hunger for,

yet we suffer for

 

If my flesh is so bad

what makes it so good

 

If my mind is so lustful

why can’t it be bridled

 

Seduction feels too good to be wrong

Why should we feel guilt

when life gives us a natural drug

 

The power to love

If we are to love all

why must we love one

 

When the bond is broken

can it ever be again

 

Or does it wander or linger forever

Or does it just fade away

 

How can we forgive

 

When our hearts bleed

When wounds are never healed

We lure ourselves to believe

time changes and heals

We just get older and we forget

or we just change,

we become a little colder

more indifferent

So we don’t feel the pain

But is this forgiveness

What does it really

take to learn forgiveness

Yes, I guess it too is a process

neither good nor bad

Forgiveness makes for indifference (a subterfuge for our pain or shame)

I don’t want to be indifferent

The act to do no more harm

to one self or to others

is the action that is needed

yet does repentance need forgiveness

when repentance speaks for itself

how does one achieve atonement

when the mind is always aware of its deceit

no matter how saintly one becomes

the impetus often was born

in the process of awareness

to go and sin no more

Yet, is it wise to forgive ourselves

and whitewash our deeds

if by doing so

keeps us blind

to the pain

I say feel it and let it change you

and surrender

forgiveness to the Lord

Yet I have been told

the day you commit a wrong

you surrender your forgiveness to the victim

Don’t victimize yourself

yet keep in check your wrongs

and let them be the impetus

to keep you on the right path

and this cannot be done

when you become indifferent

or forget the pain you have caused

or let the perpetrator get away

thinking they have been forgiven

they need to know

their actions are not forgot

nor is the pain of their mistake

for that is what will drive a man to change

and maybe one day to be forgiven…

Leave the mistakes in the past

for that is the message

of putting on a new creature

lest you choose to wear your horns proudly

To focus on love based acts

is in a realm away from fear

fear not the truth of you however

yet let love guide all you do…

Pierce through the veil

and see it is all part of the process

for the flesh will never touch the soul

it is the soul that touches the flesh

 

1990’s

 

Notes on this (November 18, 2017):

When you figure out what the desire of the soul is then perchance your thoughts will be focused at all times, and actions will come forth where no fault can be found. Let the desire to be forgiven drive you there to become conscious in all you do, and step out of allowing your body to be a sponge for chemicals of the mind that are stimulated by worldly appetites. Let what goes into you create what comes out of you to be holy and pure, aside from vanity when the intellect and the heart become one of purpose a journey home to one’s soul can be embarked upon.

 

I wrote this in the 90’s and I am not sure I agree with it all now…they were just thoughts passing through, as I struggled often with knowing I had difficulty in forgiving another. Yet the truth of it all, is there are so many things I need forgiveness for. The pain at realizing my own mistakes, and wanting forgiveness in every cell of my body I feel was lit at times like a fire that constantly burned. I truly did sweat blood once when I was reminded about my failings continually for days, weeks, months, and years as I was being guided somewhat by my own choice to allow this forceful reckoning to acknowledge my wrongs.

Certainly there are some things we know are right and know are wrong. I think what I referred to are the things we just do automatically without thought…being a part of a process. We also need to realize love does have conditions, it is not about just free unbridled love for all manner of things. Of course that would need a discourse, however a small example would be…something like if in a relationship, you would want to trust your partner would be truthful and monogamous, for if they were not, love would get sorely impacted. Yet, if it were true love, one could say, no divisive energies would be allowed to enter.

Back to forgiveness, it is still something that haunts me…not only absolution for my deeds, but in finding forgiveness toward someone who harmed someone I love, for I am not sure I will ever truly forgive his deeds, for it has affected my entire life and the life of my child. Yet, scripture does direct us…to forgive lest we not be forgiven…and that has been a bitter pill at times, and a humbling one too. The onus became for me to just take accountability for my own actions, and that was enough to cause me to quake in my bones…it was so alarming…I felt like I could never be forgiven…and like I was the walking dead….yet I had to at some point, do as is often heard….give it to God. I find it hard to forgive others as well as myself…but the best way I can go forth is to try to be as conscious as I can without being vain, and without living a lie…to do the best I can to do nothing I would need forgiveness for anymore.

I am not indifferent, yet I still am a bit numb, for if I were to saturate on feeling it all, as I have in the past, I think I would bleed out a slow and painful death. It is said when we die, the souls we have harmed will have a say, yet that our creator will ultimately decide our fate. I certainly hope if this is true that I will be forgiven. I know that in the end, I would have forgiven all others, save for but myself. I think that is why I like the Sufi notion that to love eradicates karma…yet to really love and walk the path is its own road to discover too. So many mysteries…unless what is, just is, and what is let go, can just be let go…but I have a feeling it is a bit more complicated than that.

 

For you see the picture I chose is somewhat a reminder to not follow, “love what thy will” (that is not sound doctrine/it’s satanic written in the Satanic Bible), for that is the way to hell. Love has conditions, no doubt, as does forgiveness, and to be forgiven…I pray we all figure it out…

 

…and try not to fit square pegs in round holes, like some of the thoughts I had may have been attempting to do…with stating it is a process void of the dual nature of right and wrong!

 

I know the pain of being wronged has it stages, from shock, to sadness, to anger, to wrath, to mercy, and it can go back and forth with all manner of emotions. I think for me, I focus on mercy the most, and in focusing my energy on taking accountability for the things which I can control and that being my actions, and choices. It is a very humbling experience to witness wrongs, but if it is possible to look at them and dissect them to eradicate them from happening again, then perchance there is a purpose served.

 

And worth mentioning…I was being taught starting in 1996 to dissect human actions by starting with myself, and in the process I undertook, I was naive to a certain extent, yet had a willful spirit to seek truth, thus in the process, some thoughts whether right (conscious/awake) or wrong (unconscious/in slumber) would pop into my awareness to contemplate and sift through for truth…and naturally in that process…on some matters the deeper meanings were yet to be discovered…yet to get to them…often I had to work through illusions of denials, and excuses, to strip those layers bare. It is ironical that often through circumlocutions things go from being superficially simple (often babbling banter open ended discourses) to deeply complex to arrive at a simple universal statement of truth.

 

Forgive your enemies lest ye not be forgiven, could this mean if you are incapable of forgiving others the real damage perchance can be you alone cannot even forgive yourself….to begin to even ask for forgiveness of others?

Oh yes, often at the surface we will beg for forgiveness or plead for someone to seek forgiveness, but are we ready to be forgiven in the depths of our being, can we stop the undercurrent that put us in a place to take actions to be forgiven for, and when we ask for others to seek our forgiveness are we aware of the depths needed by them to seriously need our forgiveness from the depths of their soul before we grant it truthfully?

For, if a man is void of understanding the errors of his ways, he is doomed to repeat them, and those ways come out in a multitude of actions.

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