My god wants me dead

He kills the opening of my heart

He turns my trust to dust

This god is no longer my God

For no man is God

And you are no longer

compared to God

You choked off my every breath

There will be stains in this aftermath

There will be blood on your hands

If I end this soul in hell

What good does that speak of your help

I am mortally wounded

I am dying

 

I feel in my heart

My heart opens

Pulsates with love

and in closes the door

Numb again

He says to trust

I trust

And bleed

in front of him

and goodbye

is what I get

I am stone cold sober

and I want a gun

I am mortally wounded

No where to run

Please someone

Put an end to my misery

 

There is no trust in Goodbye

There is no faith in Running

cowards Run

And Cowards kill

The coward is me

The coward is dead

Fuck off this fucking planet

The pearls came from me

And you are the swine

Who gobbled them up

This animal does not die in peace

You will crawl to find me

And I will not be found

I won’t be the one on the ground

 

4-23/1998

 

Notes in reflecting on this November 20, 2017

 

After well over a year of trials, my angst came to the surface and hit the pages…the weakness of suffering while the ego reared its head…and in that, the coward ultimately must come full circle to face himself and kill off his own coward-ness….just a part of the evolution of the trials…

The struggle too was I had wrapped my mind around the romantic notions in the Bible back some time around 1980…for wives to submit to husbands as unto the Lord…to love a man as though one loves God…and for husbands to love their wife as Christ loved the church. I thought this was such a beautiful romantic notion to love one another with such devotion, it was something I had wanted…to love with all, and to be loved with all care. The Ephesians reference is below that stimulated such thoughts…and romantic embodiment of such notions I had wished to aspire to affect.

 

Ephesions 5:22-25

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Then a few other places of related interest on marriage in the Bible with some gems for contemplation buried in the text…

Corinthians Chapter 7 https://www.biblegateway.com/passag…

Corinthians Chapter 11 https://www.biblegateway.com/passag…

2 Timothy Chapter 3 https://www.biblegateway.com/passag…

1 Timothy Chapter 2 https://www.biblegateway.com/passag…

 

The thing is in this piece I wrote, I was feeling so disillusioned for trying to love someone as though I loved God, and I had to come to face my choices…based on events. I was pushing away my love for this person from being at such a high state of aspiration, and was even questioning if this person was just a deceiver of sorts…and in the process was just dumping it all out…pushing it away….grappling with what choices I would make in the future…and of course I was a bit pissed off looking at it all… I was mired in disillusionment…trying to find truth…yet the ego rearing its head….an attempt to return to a safe place….(which was not the case at all…the ego always helps one go back into denial, and shift blame.)

 

So I had to query, DOES my God want me Dead? My reflexive mind, went into a tail spin, thinking, then you are not my God, and as a matter of fact you are no longer my God (to be loved as though I loved God is what I was referencing). Yeah, I wanted to kill that thought!

 

Yet, I will firmly say, one must be extremely cautious when such unrest is evoked, for the ego will play you…and you must realize too, our experiences all of them…if analyzed for truth could be necessary in pointing us toward truth…so in the invisible could it be, God truly directing us to not kill off our thoughts of loving God by attempts to see the divine in others and love the divine in them (especially when we feel they are failing us or our belief in them is failing us), but to kill off our thoughts of a selfish ego lost within its own delusions of being mired in its attempt to either quell truth from us or for us to find truth if we don’t get so lost in the process to put our heads in the sand and go comatose?

 

So maybe, just maybe it was the ego speaking….my god wants me dead….and maybe if the ego is killed, it would not be such a bad thing. So the irony is in seeing how the ego can trap one from facing the truth of themselves. And the ego makes one think they are protecting themselves, yet if the pain of choices is not fully dived into with a sword of truth, the ego will not cease its unrelenting hold to not be severed. That is the time to keep struggling through it….no matter the defenses…of the ego…the dragons we all must slay within.

 

…just as Jacob wrestled with God…and Job had trials of faith…and Daniel had to face the lion’s den…we all must go within to see where are faith is, and also query if it has been misplaced…by our ego…in order to conquer our trials…

 

 

The answer was no, it was my ego, my false sense of self that needed to die!