Apologetics of Sorts

a angel and stone
Today I realize I have been through hell this past year, and I am still standing.
I have lost 13 pounds from just not eating at times, some times being so broke I did not want to eat.
Sometimes so upset not knowing what went wrong, to then being free from confusion once I realized I fell in love with a narcissist. It was liberating. It was a lesson in life too to see from a most entrenching experience, especially since I surrendered to it completely…almost foolishly…yet so very thankful to have found the truth…it set me free again….
Yet then to go on and choose love again, in actions riding that fine line…
even amidst my own weaknesses that can cause me to be rejected, choosing to rise above and forge ahead…it paved the way for a bit of fun…but now as soon as it began it ended…
my eyes are more seasoned to see things to turn from now, but it still does not make it any better, it may mean I am a bit lighter to go free…without too much more given in wasted time…
But stupid me, tried to make sense of it all, and share, and people just don’t care…I guess some don’t want to see their shit…so they just flush it away, and anyone who points it out…
Crazy thing is amidst this process, I started pulling writings from over the years…and thinking there may be a cathartic point to it all, yet discovering some things really still weigh on me…will I ever be free of their influence on me…not sure…trying to find the positive here!
To revisit those memories is like a millstone around my neck…at times
So amidst these life processes, to be giving in love, reflecting on love, being sensitive to love, and the hearts of others, standing still somewhat to make observations, but diving deep amidst trials, and in the process picking up some germ that has made me sick now for 13 days…it has really made me a sensitive mess of sorts…being emotional so much, feeling I am dying, a bit dramatic this thought…as my lungs may be rebelling from all the abuse, and very well could be shutting down…if this does not clear soon…to fighting for my spirit to pick up my energy and do what I must do, knowing it is so very far from me…feeling I need some major rest, is such a rendering feeling…almost wish I could end it all. I know, my faith and health now, are being tested, and I hope in a few days things will change for the better…I am sure they will, the eternal optimist I am…or I fight to be!
I must note, all the writings I hope to one day put in order, or write a narrative that puts them in order. In a nutshell, as a child I was one who was raised to believe in God who went through trials, to then be married, to go through trials of betrayals, to go through experiences exploring philosophy and esoteric teachings, having individuals show up to stir the thoughts, to stay firm in my faith, to then going out on a limb for what I thought was right, to land in the company of wisdom, to struggling to manifest knowledge over feelings in choices, yet still stepping into choices based on feelings time and time again, wrestling with worldly choices and spiritual matters time and time again to be willing to sit and dissect life under the guidance of a teacher, and try to make sense of my observations and choices regarding it all, it has been a most interesting life of experiences, full of highs and lows, miracles, and sins, and all manner of things to witness.
I am not sure it will be of use to anyone. I thought at best a cathartic experience to help me, and maybe others, something to share with my children one day, or maybe it is just again my need to be understood rearing its head at the crux of it, yet I really don’t want vanity as the impetus. I seem to think there may be a more deeper meaning, but I do not know exactly what it is at this point. I guess it is my foolish hope there is a deeper meaning to it. Otherwise, it just may be me spilling my guts before I pass from this existence to the next…may be some apologetics of sorts…I am not sure, but hopefully it will unfold one day, or just go into the trash bin of history…as nothing…
I mean shit, if nothing good comes from all of it, what is it all for? A way not to be?
Crap, I did not even call some one out in mean ways, yet even being sensitive, they thought I was. I really did bridle my tongue this time. I think I grew a bit this time, realizing it would do no good, maybe understanding this individual is a bit lost. Man, are people so messed up. Their own shit blinds them, and I guess maybe I have to evaluate if my own shit is blinding me too. It just makes me want to give up, and throw in the towel, but I am wise enough to know this is the very time needed to fight harder than ever, for if we are not one with our commitments we are nothing at all.
Needing to feel better, and become committed again to LIVING, not dying day by day, second by second. Push this pity party away!!! Being sick and revisiting all this is not making it easier though!
8/16/2017

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