Endless Deaths of Disillusionment

Angel prostate
I’m the lonely
I’m the vulnerable
I’m the insecure
sitting at prey
I’m in need
I bleed
tears of pain
and sadness born from within
many years of hurts
that take their toll
always fighting to stay above
yet inside I drown
numerous times
these endless deaths
that I refuse to give in to
Yet their choke hold is never far
as time circles
I’m caught in the loop
of these emotions that come and go
they have my soul bound up
in the powers of their stings
that seem to never completely heal
set goals to give myself reason
To wake and to live and to breathe
they keep me standing
but the joy is far
as I wonder if these feats
to accomplish
will mean anything at all
My spirit broke
so long ago
temporary distractions to pack the wounds
yet the scars still there to remind me daily
that I am fortunate to be standing
so fortunate to feel this pain
I wish so much to release from my being
Yet will it ever cease
I feel washed up
used and now discarded
diseased by my inability
to free myself from these dark chambers
of emptiness and disappointment
of all my disillusionments
of how things should be, that are not
but that are in me
I pray them to be plucked, yet they remain
and I am lost
pretending to find myself
The only thing I wish is to sleep
and to be free from pain when I wake
I wish there was someone who could help me
But I’m afraid I’m too stubborn
in my need to justify the need of fairness
that I cannot even seem to give myself
let alone anyone else
so in my deeds of sin I sit
as I hurt from all the sins cast at me
and the combination of it all
just covers me, killing me endlessly
tormenting me, torturing my mind
my soul, my spirit and body
I feel that I am now wasted
and that all I have now is death
to welcome
I don’t feel anyone can love me
nor respect me for who I am
for all in all I am nothing
but a mother who gave birth
whose children now go forth
my seed continues
and I have done my task
what now, what now I ask
what meaning in this life is there left for me…
I have loved and died incomplete…and now I surrender
11-15-2000
Note: Within a transition and reflective period after divorce, still out on a limb, going through a spiritual cleansing of my internal house, the ego wrestling with falling away…its death is never silent, as it makes one question everything and make one feel as though they want to die, but it’s just the ego that needs to die….give it up and release its choke hold…surrender to love, and come to be in the accepting of what is… in the present moment. Every time the ego rears its head, and puts one in a spin of depression, don’t do its bidding, snuff it out…through endless deaths, each and every time it surfaces…take notice, but ultimately it will need to be killed off, lest it kill you time and time again. It is a process.

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