I’m the lonely

I’m the vulnerable

I’m the insecure

sitting at prey

I’m in need

I bleed

tears of pain

and sadness born from within

many years of hurts

that take their toll

always fighting to stay above

yet inside I drown

numerous times

these endless deaths

that I refuse to give in to

Yet their choke hold is never far

as time circles

I’m caught in the loop

of these emotions that come and go

they have my soul bound up

in the powers of their stings

that seem to never completely heal

set goals to give myself reason

To wake and to live and to breathe

they keep me standing

but the joy is far

as I wonder if these feats

to accomplish

will mean anything at all

My spirit broke

so long ago

temporary distractions to pack the wounds

yet the scars still there to remind me daily

that I am fortunate to be standing

so fortunate to feel this pain

I wish so much to release from my being

Yet will it ever cease

I feel washed up

used and now discarded

diseased by my inability

to free myself from these dark chambers

of emptiness and disappointment

of all my disillusionments

of how things should be, that are not

but that are in me

I pray them to be plucked, yet they remain

and I am lost

pretending to find myself

The only thing I wish is to sleep

and to be free from pain when I wake

I wish there was someone who could help me

But I’m afraid I’m too stubborn

in my need to justify the need of fairness

that I cannot even seem to give myself

let alone anyone else

so in my deeds of sin I sit

as I hurt from all the sins cast at me

and the combination of it all

just covers me, killing me endlessly

tormenting me, torturing my mind

my soul, my spirit and body

I feel that I am now wasted

and that all I have now is death

to welcome

I don’t feel anyone can love me

nor respect me for who I am

for all in all I am nothing

but a mother who gave birth

whose children now go forth

my seed continues

and I have done my task

what now, what now I ask

what meaning in this life is there left for me…

I have loved and died incomplete…and now I surrender

11-15-2000

Note: Within a transition and reflective period after divorce, still out on a limb, going through a spiritual cleansing of my internal house, the ego wrestling with falling away…its death is never silent, as it makes one question everything and make one feel as though they want to die, but it’s just the ego that needs to die….give it up and release its choke hold…surrender to love, and come to be in the accepting of what is… in the present moment. Every time the ego rears its head, and puts one in a spin of depression, don’t do its bidding, snuff it out…through endless deaths, each and every time it surfaces…take notice, but ultimately it will need to be killed off, lest it kill you time and time again. It is a process.