I adopted this compass of striving for destinations of No Fear, No Ego, No Judgments, and Love for all People and Things after being ordained in 1996 and commissioned to go forward and walk a path of love. I have walked this path. I have been in much respects in action like the words and directives found within Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “If” concerning…can you walk with Kings and paupers and not lose the common touch. Can you fill the unforgiving minute worth of 60 seconds of distance run. I have striven for excellence, yet after 22 years, I found myself in deep contemplation seeing some just do not understand the ways of those who live loved based lives. I have given much with no thought of the consequences many times. However I realized in my personal relationships it was a bit dis-leveling to talk of such matters. It often put me in a state of having to explain, and then often feeling compelled to prove by actions I meant what I said.
It dawned on me today, these are still compass points I shall hold dear. Yet, I shall not discuss these matters with individuals who are not consciously living in their heart. I have seen individuals take advantage of my kindness and it has left me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed almost giving up on this notion of walking a love based life path. I shall walk away from those not living in their heart in my personal life, and return to doing what I love. So often I have put my needs and desires aside in hopes to help others feel loved, and help them to feel as though they belong. I somehow slipped into this notion forgetting to be mindful of what it is I need to do for me. It is not that I aim to be selfish, but I now realize if I do not stand up for myself and start doing what I love, I will not lead my own path to finding contentment let alone happiness. I now see, it is not my task to prove anything to anyone regarding the principals of my actions, for if my actions speak not of themselves, there is nothing more to be gained by me sticking around to prove to anyone who I am. I shall continue at times to operate selflessly, but I shall cease to allow my generosity to be exploited by those not capable of reciprocity whose only aim is to take.
*Note I have written about this ordainment before. It was not an ordainment in the ordinary sense. I met a minister and asked to be baptized, and initially he refused, before it was over, he not only baptized me, but ordained me too…this was not done in a church, it was something he said he was called to do. There is more to the story. It blew my mind the next day, thinking what shall I make of this??? What is the path of love? I set out in search of figuring that out…I guess in some respects I still am.
I guess altruism in its perfect sense leads to annihilation of the self. I used to not be concerned with that, but when I find myself so depleted to where I cannot care for and do the things I love, it is time to re-evaluate these matters. Some say there is no such thing as perfect altruism, because even the one practicing/or attempting to practice it tends to feel better by giving. When giving kills off the self, I thought it was not such a bad thing, for the ego needs to go, and I thought it was an act to eradicate ego at times as well. It is a struggle to fall into surrender to walk such paths, yet too I think divine wisdom would not want to see me so incapacitated I could no longer give. So, retreat is needed at times to fill my own cup. It is like I must find a way to be free to be me independent of the ego, judgements, fears, and incapability of others to love people and all things, and to understand these matters.